Traveling across the country with a 2 week old baby was definitely interesting. Just the sheer amount of luggage we had accumulated was daunting. Thank God we had a direct flight to Nashville in a small prop plane. I was so worried about her ears popping and hurting on the plane, but she slept right through the entire trip.
My mother's boyfriend had been visiting Nashville, so he picked us up from the airport. I was extremely disappointed to learn he hadn't checked out of his hotel and we couldn't start home immediately. At the hotel, he did some last minute work and it seemed like it took an eternity to pack up and finally head out of town. Of course, we had to stop and eat and I was beyond ready to get home.
I'll admit. In my mind, I had really hoped for airport fanfare just like you see in the movies and on TV documentaries. Granted, we were three hours from home, but still so many people promised to be there when we landed. I had envisioned our welcome home committee in my mind so many times. Flowers, tears and hey, maybe a poster or two. Silly, I know. Shows how TV can really set you up for disappointment, huh? Not only did no one greet us at the airport, but it was taking forever to actually make it home!
Finally, we pulled up in my driveway and there were several friends and family members waiting on us inside. Of course, the minute we entered, Kennedy was snatched from my arms and the camera flashes started. It was good to be home with the people who loved us.
I was really looking forward to seeing Chris. He was in the recliner when we got home and it was only after we carried our luggage in that he gave me a quick hug. He felt very distant and somewhat irritated, but I assummed it was just because he was ready to have Kennedy to himself. A couple of hours later, everyone left so we could rest and I collapsed on the couch. He informed me he was hungry and asked what was for dinner. Huh? Was he serious? Yep. He was definately serious. As I made a quick meal of blts and tomato soup I thought about our relationship.
If I told you I was happy, I was lying. From the beginning, everyone told me we would never make it. My family didn't feel he was the best choice of a husband for me, but I was crazy about him. I saw a side of him no one else saw. I saw the gentle father he was to Hailee and now Kennedy. I saw him work hard to make a living for us. I saw him splurge on big surprises for me and saw the way he looked at me with love in his eyes. I saw him stand up for what he believed in and not worry about what others thought. I was bound and determined to make our marriage work. I felt if I were a good wife and did everything expected of me, we would be fine. I made sure the house was cleaned, laundry was done, meals were cooked,Hailee was taken care of and the bills were paid.
Chris had a temper. He wasn't violent, but it was miserable for me when got upset. And he got upset easily and sometimes without warning or reason. For this reason, I did what I was supposed to do, stayed out of his way and never spoke against him. When he got upset, I tried to fix whatever it was that he was mad about. Once, for example, he wanted a new motorcycle... a very expensive motorcycle with payments of over $300 a month. He told me he had called our credit union to set up papers and I would have to go in and sign. I got very quiet and he said, "you don't want me to have a new bike, do you?" As the one who pays the bills, I knew it was much more debt than we could handle. The thoughts of adding to our debt, as well as telling Chris we couldn't afford it made me sick to my stomach. Finally, I told him we couldn't afford it. He already had it figured out. He would use part of a commission check to pay for it. I told him I was worried about using our extra emergency money for a motorcycle payment. He became irrate. For hours that day he wouldn't speak to me and it was miserable to be around him. Instead of standing my ground, I called the credit union and got the money. And now, it was all ok at home.
In the almost 5 years of marriage, I had slowly lost myself. I felt as if I wasn't my own person and was nothing more than a doormat. I had no one to blame but myself though. I couldn't stand conflict so I always gave in. I thought if I handled every aspect of Chris's life, he would be happy. I didn't realize then that I couldn't make him happy. He had to do that for himself. Still, I would try for several more years before I gave up the fight. And in the meantime, I would play the game and lead everyone to believe we were a happy couple.
When we went to bed that night, Chris started sleeping in the spare room for the first time. I knew the addition of children wouldn't make our marriage stronger, but I knew I wouldn't be complete without a child of my own. Honestly, I was using Chris as he was using me. Even though we did love each other, it was a marriage of convenience. I took care of his needs and he helped me become a mother.
As my eyes closed that night, I fell asleep wondering what the future would hold for my family.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
sleepless nights (chapter 9)
After years of planning on motherhood, I felt pretty confident I could handle anything Kennedy could dish out. My confidence quickly faded on the second night alone with her.
About midnight, Kennedy woke up from a deep sleep screaming at the top of her lungs. After rubbing her tummy and holding her for well over an hour, she was inconsolable. I gave her a dose of gas drops, but they didn't help either. I began feeling desperate. I tried everything, but could not "fix" her. I started getting tense and upset even though I knew it was only going to make her worse. I couldn't call home because no one would answer the phone in the middle of the night and there was no way I would call Ann. In my mind, I was afraid she would think I wouldn't be a good mother. I finally decided to call the nurse at the hospital that had taken care of us. I was crying when the nurse, Mary, answered the phone. Mary was so sweet and calming and she told me she got off work in an hour and would call before she left to check on us. She said if things weren't better, she would come to the hospital and help me. Thank God for Mary! She asked how I had tried consoling her and she suggested I swaddle her tightly. In the first week of her life, she didn't particularly care if she was swaddled or not, so I never thought to try it. The first blanket i used just seemed to make her more upset, but out of desperation, I tried the afghan my aunt had knitted for her. Oh my gosh! Within 15 minutes, Kennedy was finally asleep and happy. As promised, Mary called when she was ready to leave and I assured her we were fine and of course, gave her my undying gratitude.
Needless to say, the next morning we slept until after lunch. About three, we picked up my mother at the airport so she could help us fly home. Of course, she was thrilled to meet her new granddaughter and I was looking forward to getting a full night's sleep. However, about 11pm, I received a call from Stacy, my stepdaughter Hailee's mother. She was sobbing when I answered the phone and told me Hailee had fallen out of a two story window and was being airlifted to the hospital. She knew Hailee was alive, but had no idea the extent of her injuries. I was overcome with complete panic. I called Chris to tell him (he and Stacy couldn't talk without fighting) and his first instinct was anger. He called Stacy questioning how the fall happened and it ended up in complete outrage. All we could do was wait until Stacy called me back with more information.
The wait was hell. Luckily, Kennedy slept through the drama and I was left pacing the room. I felt an overwhelming sense of helplessness and knew that I couldn't leave the state to be with Hailee. I began praying continuously for God to protect her and guard her from injury. Finally, Stacy called. She said that doctors had performed extensive tests and so far, there were only bruises and scrapes. Within just a few hours of arriving at the hospital, doctors released Hailee. It was a miracle this child was alive. Thank God for taking care of this sweet girl that was such a blessing to me and so many others!
Exhausted, I answered the phone the next morning and it was our attorney. We could go home! It had been 10 days and it was time to make arrangements to leave Tulsa. Chris scheduled our flight for the following day. Luckily, we were able to get a direct flight, which would be quite a blessing with a newborn in tow. I called Jenn with the news and we planned a goodbye dinner that night.
I was looking forward to going home, but I really dreaded leaving Jenn. It felt like she was part of me now and we shared a bond that was just unexplainable. We had spent so much time together and would miss seeing each other every day. I knew it was time for both of us to get on with our new lives, but it would really be difficult leaving.
We met Jenn and her parents and were able to spend a couple of hours with them. As the night winded down, the lump in my throat got bigger. Ann held Kennedy one last time and handed her back to me. It was heart wrenching to watch her say her goodbyes to her granddaughter. She told me how much she appreciated and loved me and promised to pray for us daily. I could tell her heart was breaking and it took all the strength inside her to walk away.
I could no longer hold back the tears when Jenn kissed Kennedy on the forehead and whispered, "Always remember how much I love you." Even as I write now, I am overcome with emotions when I remember that day. I have never seen such an unselfish love manifested in one moment. We hugged until I felt a peace sweep over us. I knew God had prepared both of us to go our separate ways.
Our time in Tulsa was over. It was time to go home.
About midnight, Kennedy woke up from a deep sleep screaming at the top of her lungs. After rubbing her tummy and holding her for well over an hour, she was inconsolable. I gave her a dose of gas drops, but they didn't help either. I began feeling desperate. I tried everything, but could not "fix" her. I started getting tense and upset even though I knew it was only going to make her worse. I couldn't call home because no one would answer the phone in the middle of the night and there was no way I would call Ann. In my mind, I was afraid she would think I wouldn't be a good mother. I finally decided to call the nurse at the hospital that had taken care of us. I was crying when the nurse, Mary, answered the phone. Mary was so sweet and calming and she told me she got off work in an hour and would call before she left to check on us. She said if things weren't better, she would come to the hospital and help me. Thank God for Mary! She asked how I had tried consoling her and she suggested I swaddle her tightly. In the first week of her life, she didn't particularly care if she was swaddled or not, so I never thought to try it. The first blanket i used just seemed to make her more upset, but out of desperation, I tried the afghan my aunt had knitted for her. Oh my gosh! Within 15 minutes, Kennedy was finally asleep and happy. As promised, Mary called when she was ready to leave and I assured her we were fine and of course, gave her my undying gratitude.
Needless to say, the next morning we slept until after lunch. About three, we picked up my mother at the airport so she could help us fly home. Of course, she was thrilled to meet her new granddaughter and I was looking forward to getting a full night's sleep. However, about 11pm, I received a call from Stacy, my stepdaughter Hailee's mother. She was sobbing when I answered the phone and told me Hailee had fallen out of a two story window and was being airlifted to the hospital. She knew Hailee was alive, but had no idea the extent of her injuries. I was overcome with complete panic. I called Chris to tell him (he and Stacy couldn't talk without fighting) and his first instinct was anger. He called Stacy questioning how the fall happened and it ended up in complete outrage. All we could do was wait until Stacy called me back with more information.
The wait was hell. Luckily, Kennedy slept through the drama and I was left pacing the room. I felt an overwhelming sense of helplessness and knew that I couldn't leave the state to be with Hailee. I began praying continuously for God to protect her and guard her from injury. Finally, Stacy called. She said that doctors had performed extensive tests and so far, there were only bruises and scrapes. Within just a few hours of arriving at the hospital, doctors released Hailee. It was a miracle this child was alive. Thank God for taking care of this sweet girl that was such a blessing to me and so many others!
Exhausted, I answered the phone the next morning and it was our attorney. We could go home! It had been 10 days and it was time to make arrangements to leave Tulsa. Chris scheduled our flight for the following day. Luckily, we were able to get a direct flight, which would be quite a blessing with a newborn in tow. I called Jenn with the news and we planned a goodbye dinner that night.
I was looking forward to going home, but I really dreaded leaving Jenn. It felt like she was part of me now and we shared a bond that was just unexplainable. We had spent so much time together and would miss seeing each other every day. I knew it was time for both of us to get on with our new lives, but it would really be difficult leaving.
We met Jenn and her parents and were able to spend a couple of hours with them. As the night winded down, the lump in my throat got bigger. Ann held Kennedy one last time and handed her back to me. It was heart wrenching to watch her say her goodbyes to her granddaughter. She told me how much she appreciated and loved me and promised to pray for us daily. I could tell her heart was breaking and it took all the strength inside her to walk away.
I could no longer hold back the tears when Jenn kissed Kennedy on the forehead and whispered, "Always remember how much I love you." Even as I write now, I am overcome with emotions when I remember that day. I have never seen such an unselfish love manifested in one moment. We hugged until I felt a peace sweep over us. I knew God had prepared both of us to go our separate ways.
Our time in Tulsa was over. It was time to go home.
Monday, February 22, 2010
On our own (chapter 8)
"I will not cry. I will not cry. I have to see clearly without tears because I'm driving with my baby."
That was all I could think as I drove away from the airport. After 6 days in Tulsa, Chris had to leave and go back to work. With an interstate adoption, it usually takes at least 10 days to get clearance to leave the state. Dropping Chris off was difficult and a little scary. I've always been independent, but being left halfway across the country with a newborn was daunting. I had babysat my entire life and had tried for years to get pregnant, but I was terrified I would do something wrong. Am I feeding Kennedy right? What if she gets sick? Should she be outside? So many questions and doubts ran through my mind, but I refused to let my tension take over because Kennedy would sense it and get upset. I decided I would pick up lunch and go back to the hotel for a nap. I had plans with Jenn and her mother, Ann for dinner.
I met them at a local restaurant and I could tell Ann was anxious to see Kennedy. When I pulled back the blanket and Ann looked at her granddaughter, tears filled her eyes. She asked if she could hold her and I placed her in her arms. Jenn had went to the restroom and Ann said, "Lori, if you ever decide you need to give her back, please let me have her." It was so hard seeing the sadness in her eyes and the desperation in her voice. And even though I knew that she spoke out of pure love for Kennedy, I'll admit...it bothered me. I can't imagine being in Ann's position and the pain she felt, but part of me was mad and the other part felt threatened. Though I became a mother without giving birth to a baby, I was a mother, nonetheless. To be honest, all I could think was "there's no way in hell." The tense moment was broken when Kennedy started whining. Ann handed her back to me and I was relieved to have her in my arms again.
Dinner ended up being very relaxed and pleasant. Ann told me that if I needed anything to please call. I assured her I would be fine and truly appreciated the offer. I knew she was sincere and didn't mean to make me feel threatened. She was simply a grandmother losing a grand baby.
Kennedy slept well that night and was only up about every 4 hours. We both slept on and off until almost noon and spent the day watching TV and resting. That afternoon, I took her to her first pediatrician's appointment and the doctor was pleased with her health. She told me to take her out and enjoy her.
I loved having Kennedy all to myself and cherished spending time alone with her, but I was beginning to get homesick. I was ready to sleep in my own bed and settle in at home with Kennedy. Ever since I was a little girl, I had a fantasy about taking my new baby to church. There would be something special about that first Sunday. Friends and family would "ooh" and "ah" over her and I couldn't wait for everyone to meet her. As much as I was ready to go home, I wasn't ready to get back to the real world with all it's stresses. I was content concentrating on nothing but Kennedy. So, until I got the "it's time to go home" call, I would savor our escape from reality and enjoy Tulsa.
That was all I could think as I drove away from the airport. After 6 days in Tulsa, Chris had to leave and go back to work. With an interstate adoption, it usually takes at least 10 days to get clearance to leave the state. Dropping Chris off was difficult and a little scary. I've always been independent, but being left halfway across the country with a newborn was daunting. I had babysat my entire life and had tried for years to get pregnant, but I was terrified I would do something wrong. Am I feeding Kennedy right? What if she gets sick? Should she be outside? So many questions and doubts ran through my mind, but I refused to let my tension take over because Kennedy would sense it and get upset. I decided I would pick up lunch and go back to the hotel for a nap. I had plans with Jenn and her mother, Ann for dinner.
I met them at a local restaurant and I could tell Ann was anxious to see Kennedy. When I pulled back the blanket and Ann looked at her granddaughter, tears filled her eyes. She asked if she could hold her and I placed her in her arms. Jenn had went to the restroom and Ann said, "Lori, if you ever decide you need to give her back, please let me have her." It was so hard seeing the sadness in her eyes and the desperation in her voice. And even though I knew that she spoke out of pure love for Kennedy, I'll admit...it bothered me. I can't imagine being in Ann's position and the pain she felt, but part of me was mad and the other part felt threatened. Though I became a mother without giving birth to a baby, I was a mother, nonetheless. To be honest, all I could think was "there's no way in hell." The tense moment was broken when Kennedy started whining. Ann handed her back to me and I was relieved to have her in my arms again.
Dinner ended up being very relaxed and pleasant. Ann told me that if I needed anything to please call. I assured her I would be fine and truly appreciated the offer. I knew she was sincere and didn't mean to make me feel threatened. She was simply a grandmother losing a grand baby.
Kennedy slept well that night and was only up about every 4 hours. We both slept on and off until almost noon and spent the day watching TV and resting. That afternoon, I took her to her first pediatrician's appointment and the doctor was pleased with her health. She told me to take her out and enjoy her.
I loved having Kennedy all to myself and cherished spending time alone with her, but I was beginning to get homesick. I was ready to sleep in my own bed and settle in at home with Kennedy. Ever since I was a little girl, I had a fantasy about taking my new baby to church. There would be something special about that first Sunday. Friends and family would "ooh" and "ah" over her and I couldn't wait for everyone to meet her. As much as I was ready to go home, I wasn't ready to get back to the real world with all it's stresses. I was content concentrating on nothing but Kennedy. So, until I got the "it's time to go home" call, I would savor our escape from reality and enjoy Tulsa.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
"...she's her mommy." chapter 7
When Kennedy was 5 days old, Jenn and I shared a priceless day together. Because of the heartbreaking failed adoption prior to Kennedy, Chris and I chose not to have a shower until after her birth. As a matter of fact, before Kennedy was released from the hospital, Chris had to go get a car seat and a few sleepers until I could get out to go shopping. My sweet grandmother had bought 3 gorgeous outfits with matching blankets, but that was pretty much all we had.
I needed to register at Babies R Us for our loved ones back home (whom, of course, were chomping at the bits to buy for Kennedy) and I couldn't think of anyone I'd rather experience that with than Jenn. I was hesitant about asking her because I didn't want to upset her, but when I approached her about it, she was thrilled. We spent hours picking out the things our sweet baby would need. We decided that, for Kennedy, the obvious choice of bedding and room decor was pink. Tiny pink flowers and foamy green accents covered the quilt and would compliment the white crib beautifully.
After we registered, we went back through the store and shopped for the things I needed immediately. We were out of the basics from the hospital so I had to buy everything from diapers and wipes to onsies, sleepers and socks. How I had waited for the day I could buy those things for my daughter without the fear she would be taken from me and all I would have left are her things.
Then came that akward moment. When the saleslady saw Kennedy's birthday on the registry she asked, "Which one of you is the mom?" Jenn quickly said, "Oh, I'm her birthmom, but she is her mommy." Tears welled up in the lady's eyes and she replied, "What a lucky little girl." All I could think is, "Thank you God. What an amazing woman."
As we walked to the car Jenn told me she could tell I was miserable being away from Kennedy. I missed my baby so bad it hurt, but didn't want to upset Jenn. I admitted I was going crazy without her and she simply said, "go get your baby and lets go to lunch." We went to the hotel and found Kennedy sleeping soundly. Like little girls with a baby doll, we changed her into one of the cute new outfits and took her with us. At lunch, servers and customers commented on Kennedy's beauty. Jenn seemed to enjoy watching me care for her and expressed her contentment at being "Aunt Jenn."
At the end of this perfect day, I held Kennedy until she fell asleep under my chin. I cherished the feel of her soft, silky black hair on my skin and the sweet smell of baby lotion. I was in no hurry to get home and have to share her with those so excited to meet her. I didn't want to return to everyday life and was perfectly content being halfway across the country with my little girl.
Our time here as a family had been wonderful but there was a big dread I could now feel in my stomach. The next day, Chris would board a plane for home and Kennedy and I would be left in Tulsa...completely alone.
I needed to register at Babies R Us for our loved ones back home (whom, of course, were chomping at the bits to buy for Kennedy) and I couldn't think of anyone I'd rather experience that with than Jenn. I was hesitant about asking her because I didn't want to upset her, but when I approached her about it, she was thrilled. We spent hours picking out the things our sweet baby would need. We decided that, for Kennedy, the obvious choice of bedding and room decor was pink. Tiny pink flowers and foamy green accents covered the quilt and would compliment the white crib beautifully.
After we registered, we went back through the store and shopped for the things I needed immediately. We were out of the basics from the hospital so I had to buy everything from diapers and wipes to onsies, sleepers and socks. How I had waited for the day I could buy those things for my daughter without the fear she would be taken from me and all I would have left are her things.
Then came that akward moment. When the saleslady saw Kennedy's birthday on the registry she asked, "Which one of you is the mom?" Jenn quickly said, "Oh, I'm her birthmom, but she is her mommy." Tears welled up in the lady's eyes and she replied, "What a lucky little girl." All I could think is, "Thank you God. What an amazing woman."
As we walked to the car Jenn told me she could tell I was miserable being away from Kennedy. I missed my baby so bad it hurt, but didn't want to upset Jenn. I admitted I was going crazy without her and she simply said, "go get your baby and lets go to lunch." We went to the hotel and found Kennedy sleeping soundly. Like little girls with a baby doll, we changed her into one of the cute new outfits and took her with us. At lunch, servers and customers commented on Kennedy's beauty. Jenn seemed to enjoy watching me care for her and expressed her contentment at being "Aunt Jenn."
At the end of this perfect day, I held Kennedy until she fell asleep under my chin. I cherished the feel of her soft, silky black hair on my skin and the sweet smell of baby lotion. I was in no hurry to get home and have to share her with those so excited to meet her. I didn't want to return to everyday life and was perfectly content being halfway across the country with my little girl.
Our time here as a family had been wonderful but there was a big dread I could now feel in my stomach. The next day, Chris would board a plane for home and Kennedy and I would be left in Tulsa...completely alone.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Finally mine (chapter 6)
Spending the next hour with our new daughter and the amazing woman who brought her into the world was magical. Jenn told us she had spent some time with her after birth and felt peaceful about the decision to give Kennedy to us. I could tell Ann* was having a difficult time, but was supportive in Jenn's decision and stepped aside to let us bond with our new baby.
We were taken to our room to settle in and let Jenn rest. I changed Kennedy into one of the outfits my grandmother had given her and snuggled her under my chin. That afternoon, Jenn came to visit. She didn't want to hold Kennedy, but seemed to enjoy hanging out with us and watching us care for her. That night, Kennedy bounced from my bed to Chris's sofa without ever leaving our arms, much less, our room. She was very content and cried only when she was hungry, which was constantly, it seemed.
Jenn was released from the hospital the next morning and Chris and I followed a couple of hours later. I couldn't believe we were leaving the hospital with our very own baby. How I had longed for this day. When we reached the hotel, our home for the next two weeks, we took turns snuggling our newborn daughter. It was at this point, that I somewhat had an emotional breakdown. I found it hard to function as I was overwhelmed with fear. I was already in love with Kennedy and was so terrified Jenn would change her mind. Jenn would go before the judge the next day and after she spoke with him, her rights would be revoked forever. Even after Jenn called and voiced her peace and certainty about her decision, I still was paralyzed with fear. Literally. I felt deeply depressed. I just wanted to sleep until it was all over and I knew no one would take her away from me. Chris pretty much took total control over Kennedy's care that day and I sank further into despair. I felt guilty for not taking care of this child I had prayed for and waited so long for, but my body would not function. I felt as if I were holding my breath until I knew Kennedy was mine forever.
Twelve hours later, I was able to exhale. Jenn had spoken with the judge and had signed papers terminating her parental rights. It was over. Kennedy was mine. My body released all tension and fear and I picked my daughter up and looked into her big brown eyes. Immeasurable love and thankfulness radiated from my heart and I basked in this moment I had been waiting for my entire life.
Jenn wanted to spend some time together and we decided to meet for dinner. She met us at our hotel and brought gifts. She gave Kennedy an outfit, blanket and teddy bear and gave us a card. In it, she said she was thankful for us and loved us for loving Kennedy. We went to dinner at the restaurant Jenn served at so her friends could admire the daughter we shared together. They were all supportive to Jenn and welcoming to us. She held Kennedy for a few minutes, but Kennedy started to cry and Jenn said, "OK Mommy, she wants you."
That night, I held Kennedy in my arms as we drifted off to sleep and...I never let go.
We were taken to our room to settle in and let Jenn rest. I changed Kennedy into one of the outfits my grandmother had given her and snuggled her under my chin. That afternoon, Jenn came to visit. She didn't want to hold Kennedy, but seemed to enjoy hanging out with us and watching us care for her. That night, Kennedy bounced from my bed to Chris's sofa without ever leaving our arms, much less, our room. She was very content and cried only when she was hungry, which was constantly, it seemed.
Jenn was released from the hospital the next morning and Chris and I followed a couple of hours later. I couldn't believe we were leaving the hospital with our very own baby. How I had longed for this day. When we reached the hotel, our home for the next two weeks, we took turns snuggling our newborn daughter. It was at this point, that I somewhat had an emotional breakdown. I found it hard to function as I was overwhelmed with fear. I was already in love with Kennedy and was so terrified Jenn would change her mind. Jenn would go before the judge the next day and after she spoke with him, her rights would be revoked forever. Even after Jenn called and voiced her peace and certainty about her decision, I still was paralyzed with fear. Literally. I felt deeply depressed. I just wanted to sleep until it was all over and I knew no one would take her away from me. Chris pretty much took total control over Kennedy's care that day and I sank further into despair. I felt guilty for not taking care of this child I had prayed for and waited so long for, but my body would not function. I felt as if I were holding my breath until I knew Kennedy was mine forever.
Twelve hours later, I was able to exhale. Jenn had spoken with the judge and had signed papers terminating her parental rights. It was over. Kennedy was mine. My body released all tension and fear and I picked my daughter up and looked into her big brown eyes. Immeasurable love and thankfulness radiated from my heart and I basked in this moment I had been waiting for my entire life.
Jenn wanted to spend some time together and we decided to meet for dinner. She met us at our hotel and brought gifts. She gave Kennedy an outfit, blanket and teddy bear and gave us a card. In it, she said she was thankful for us and loved us for loving Kennedy. We went to dinner at the restaurant Jenn served at so her friends could admire the daughter we shared together. They were all supportive to Jenn and welcoming to us. She held Kennedy for a few minutes, but Kennedy started to cry and Jenn said, "OK Mommy, she wants you."
That night, I held Kennedy in my arms as we drifted off to sleep and...I never let go.
Friday, February 12, 2010
"She's all yours" (chapter 5)
Chris and I had been to the drive-in when our phone rang about midnight. It was Jenn's boyfriend and they were on their way to the hospital. He called us back less than and hour later when the hospital admitted her. We grabbed our packed bags and left for the 3 hour drive to Nashville to catch the earliest possible flight. I couldn't believe this was happening. As excited as I was, I was equally as frightened. Would we get Kennedy...hold her, care for her and love her for days only to have to give her back? Even though I had a peace about the situation, it was definitely scary to walk through.
When we arrived at the airport, the earliest flight we could get (due to 9/11) was at 10 am. After we explained to the angel at the ticket counter (she could probably see the desperation in my eyes) she bumped us to an 8am flight. We had an hour layover (though I don't remember where!) and I called our adoption coordinator, Deanna, to see how far along Jenn* was. She said she was already fully dilated and almost ready to push. We were going to miss the birth of our baby.
I can't remember ever being more nervous, excited and scared in my entire life. Because the last plane was only carrying 10 people, including us, it didn't take long for those around us to find out we were on our way to meet our daughter. Several people offered to drive us to the hospital and one woman gave me her phone number in case I needed anything. The minute we could exit, the stewardess hurried us out of the plane. Wouldn't you know I didn't have a signal until I was at the luggage carousel? Deanna answered the phone with "Lori, you have the most beautiful baby waiting on you! Jenn* has spent about an hour with her and she is doing great."
The drive to the hospital was a complete fog. I couldn't cry. I couldn't speak. When we finally walked around the corner to Jenn*'s room, we were greeted by Jenn's mother, Ann*. She embraced me and asked me if I wanted to be shown our room or go by Jenn's room first. Of course, we wanted to see Jenn*.
Jenn was propped up in the bed waiting on us. I went to her bedside and took her in my arms. I had no idea what to expect, but Jenn* quickly whispered, "Your daughter is beautiful Lori. I can't wait for you to see her and I'm so thankful I could do this for you." Overcome with emotion, the nurse asked, "Are you ready to meet your daughter?"
Chris led me to an empty chair and we waited for an eternity for the nurse to bring Kennedy in. When the bassinet wheeled in, she gently took her out and placed her in my arms. She was asleep. She was perfect. She was mine.
I'll never be able to convey what I felt that moment. Not only was I overtook with the wonder of this tiny baby, but also immeasurable gratitude at the magnitude of this gift entrusted to me. I heard Jenn say, "she's all yours" and I knew God had just answered my prayers.
When we arrived at the airport, the earliest flight we could get (due to 9/11) was at 10 am. After we explained to the angel at the ticket counter (she could probably see the desperation in my eyes) she bumped us to an 8am flight. We had an hour layover (though I don't remember where!) and I called our adoption coordinator, Deanna, to see how far along Jenn* was. She said she was already fully dilated and almost ready to push. We were going to miss the birth of our baby.
I can't remember ever being more nervous, excited and scared in my entire life. Because the last plane was only carrying 10 people, including us, it didn't take long for those around us to find out we were on our way to meet our daughter. Several people offered to drive us to the hospital and one woman gave me her phone number in case I needed anything. The minute we could exit, the stewardess hurried us out of the plane. Wouldn't you know I didn't have a signal until I was at the luggage carousel? Deanna answered the phone with "Lori, you have the most beautiful baby waiting on you! Jenn* has spent about an hour with her and she is doing great."
The drive to the hospital was a complete fog. I couldn't cry. I couldn't speak. When we finally walked around the corner to Jenn*'s room, we were greeted by Jenn's mother, Ann*. She embraced me and asked me if I wanted to be shown our room or go by Jenn's room first. Of course, we wanted to see Jenn*.
Jenn was propped up in the bed waiting on us. I went to her bedside and took her in my arms. I had no idea what to expect, but Jenn* quickly whispered, "Your daughter is beautiful Lori. I can't wait for you to see her and I'm so thankful I could do this for you." Overcome with emotion, the nurse asked, "Are you ready to meet your daughter?"
Chris led me to an empty chair and we waited for an eternity for the nurse to bring Kennedy in. When the bassinet wheeled in, she gently took her out and placed her in my arms. She was asleep. She was perfect. She was mine.
I'll never be able to convey what I felt that moment. Not only was I overtook with the wonder of this tiny baby, but also immeasurable gratitude at the magnitude of this gift entrusted to me. I heard Jenn say, "she's all yours" and I knew God had just answered my prayers.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Meeting Kennedy (chapter 4)
The trip to Tulsa was an interesting one, to say the least. We flew just 5 days after 9/11 and the airport was basically deserted. I love to fly, but because of the obvious saftey issue combined with the fact I was going to have dinner with the mother of my child, I was a nervous wreck. Of course, there was the "pro", in that all 7 passengers had their choice of an entire aisle.
I called Jenn* on the way to the hotel and she was walking circles in the mall like a mad woman on a mission. She was determined to go into labor while we were there. You can see now, why we hit it off so well. She's a complete goof as am I. We would meet in 2 hours at a local restaurant and I have never been more excited in my life.
We were waiting outside the restaurant when she arrived. She had a glowing, contageous smile and we hugged and shrieked with delight like 12 year olds. Then, Jenn* took my hand and placed it on her tummy. "Meet Kennedy. She was yours from the beginning." I can't put this precious, priceless, once in a lifetime moment into words. Its a feeling that I wish everyone could experience at least once in their lives. We shared a bond...a mother's love for this baby. What a blessed child to be loved by two mothers.
Dinner was fun and easy. The three of us talked like old friends. When Kennedy kicked, Jenn* grabbed Chris's hand and he felt our baby move for the first time. This was truely a union only God could orchestrate. When Jenn* found out she was pregnant, she felt she couldn't emotionally, physically or finacially support a baby. Jenn* wanted her to have a mom and a dad who had longed for a child, but couldn't conceive. She wanted to give someone else the precious gift they couldn't attain without her. Her family and friends were extremely supportive of her decision and were all looking forward to meeting us.
Before this night, Jenn* wanted a semi-open adoption. She chose to receive annual updates and pictures through the attorney and we respected her wish. But, as the afternoon progressed, as did the bond, I told her that she could have as much contact with us and Kennedy as she was comfortable with. I honestly couldn't imagine not having her in our lives. Our family and friends didn't understand and were not supportive of an extremely open adoption, but we knew our hearts. She, of course, felt the same way. After the longest dinner in history, we went our separate ways with plans to spend a day at the zoo together the next morning.
We picked up Jenn* and wandered through the park, simply enjoying our time getting to know each other. That night, we met Jenn*, her boyfriend Brandon*, her mother Ann* and her stepfather Jim*. Jim treated us all to dinner at a nice restaurant and we talked easily, even about difficult topics. We were honest and open with each other and everyone felt peaceful and at ease with the adoption plan.
Our weekend with Jenn* and her family was the beginning of a journey we would experience together, all for the love of a child.
I called Jenn* on the way to the hotel and she was walking circles in the mall like a mad woman on a mission. She was determined to go into labor while we were there. You can see now, why we hit it off so well. She's a complete goof as am I. We would meet in 2 hours at a local restaurant and I have never been more excited in my life.
We were waiting outside the restaurant when she arrived. She had a glowing, contageous smile and we hugged and shrieked with delight like 12 year olds. Then, Jenn* took my hand and placed it on her tummy. "Meet Kennedy. She was yours from the beginning." I can't put this precious, priceless, once in a lifetime moment into words. Its a feeling that I wish everyone could experience at least once in their lives. We shared a bond...a mother's love for this baby. What a blessed child to be loved by two mothers.
Dinner was fun and easy. The three of us talked like old friends. When Kennedy kicked, Jenn* grabbed Chris's hand and he felt our baby move for the first time. This was truely a union only God could orchestrate. When Jenn* found out she was pregnant, she felt she couldn't emotionally, physically or finacially support a baby. Jenn* wanted her to have a mom and a dad who had longed for a child, but couldn't conceive. She wanted to give someone else the precious gift they couldn't attain without her. Her family and friends were extremely supportive of her decision and were all looking forward to meeting us.
Before this night, Jenn* wanted a semi-open adoption. She chose to receive annual updates and pictures through the attorney and we respected her wish. But, as the afternoon progressed, as did the bond, I told her that she could have as much contact with us and Kennedy as she was comfortable with. I honestly couldn't imagine not having her in our lives. Our family and friends didn't understand and were not supportive of an extremely open adoption, but we knew our hearts. She, of course, felt the same way. After the longest dinner in history, we went our separate ways with plans to spend a day at the zoo together the next morning.
We picked up Jenn* and wandered through the park, simply enjoying our time getting to know each other. That night, we met Jenn*, her boyfriend Brandon*, her mother Ann* and her stepfather Jim*. Jim treated us all to dinner at a nice restaurant and we talked easily, even about difficult topics. We were honest and open with each other and everyone felt peaceful and at ease with the adoption plan.
Our weekend with Jenn* and her family was the beginning of a journey we would experience together, all for the love of a child.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
