Christy (chapter 13)

It started with googling adoption. My whole world opened up to chat rooms, blogs, websites and message boards. I searched adoption agencies and facilitators and was jolted back to reality when I saw the costs involved. There was absolutely no way we could afford tens of thousands of dollars again to adopt. It only took a couple of weeks to realize that because of the momumental fees, my only hope was a private, independant adoption. I joined forums and bonded with women who also longed to adopt. I discovered postings of pregnant women who were scared and unsure how to handle their baby and reached out for help.

I was moved by the posting of one particular pregnant woman named Christy. According to her posting, she was a young, single mother of a two year old daughter named Jasmine. She worked in a home for abused women and said she couldn't afford to raise another child alone so she was considering adoption. I was moved by Christy. I felt sorry for her as I could feel the desperation in her voice and I sent her an email.

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Christy,

I saw your posting online today and my heart went out to you. Because you are considering adoption, I hope you don't mind me telling you a little about myself and my family.

My husband and I will be married 8 years on New Year's Eve. We live in a rural town in Tennessee. We began trying to have a baby right after we got married.

It didn't take long to figure out it was going to be hard for me to get pregnant, so we began infertility. We endured almost 4 years of infertility treatments and heartbreaking miscarriages. Because we wanted to adopt whether we had biological children or not, we decided to go that route. We had a local adoption that fell through the day the child was born and I think it was even harder than the past heartbreaks we went through. We constantly worried about the baby...was he hungry...was he cold...was he being held and loved.... It was so hard coming home to an empty nursery. After a couple of months we found out that the baby was healthy and happy and we were able to "let him go."

We were finally chosen by a birthmother in Tulsa, Oklahoma and we hit it off with her immediately. We flew down and spent the weekend with her and her family before the birth of our daughter. Less than 3 months after our birthmother chose us, we were blessed with the birth of our daughter. We promised Jana, our birthmom, two things...1. We would always provide Kennedy with unconditional love and support and give her the best life possible. 2. Jana would never have to worry about Kennedy because she would always have a line of communication open to her. We still enjoy this open relationship with Kennedy's birthmother.

Because we waited so long to be parents, we have never taken our daughter for granted. I've heard so many parents say things like they couldn't wait until their son started sleeping through the night....they couldn't wait for their daughter to start walking....they couldn't wait for her to start school, etc. Believe me, we've never felt that way. We feel blessed for every second we have with her.

My husband is a good provider for us, so I am able to be a stay home mommy. We have so much fun together....going to the zoo or aquarium, visiting family, working outside in the flowers, or just staying home and watching a movie or baking goodies for daddy. We also have a 17 year old foster daugher who joins in on the fun as well!

Please Christy, let me know if you have any questions for us. Also, even if you decide to keep that precious baby or if you decide on another couple for adoption, I'd love to be your friend if you need someone to talk to. I thank God for brave women like you who love their children so much that they can give them up if they have to. For without them, I would never get to be a Mother. We want our children't birthmoms in their lives. We want to develop trusting friendships with them as well.

Please contact me if I you'd like to talk. I'll be happy to also give you a phone number as well or will be happy to call you to save you the money.

You're in my thoughts and I pray God will give you direction, strength and peace.

Lori

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Just two days later, a lump formed in my throat when I saw the email waiting for me from Christy.

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From: Christy Miller
To: Lori Coleman
Subject: Re: courageous choice posting
Date: Mon, 14 Nov 2005 12:36:31 -0800 (PST)

Thanks for your email you sound so nice and hlpeful. YOu seem so nice and easy to talk too. Just what I am looking for.

How are you doing? I am not feeling so well today, hoping its not the flu.
You sound very nice and I have gotten a lot of emails from people and for some reason your have stuck out to me.

How old is your daughter now??



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And my response:

Uh oh...i'll pray it's not the flu. I don't know what the weather is like

now where you are, but it's kinda dreary and rainy. Hopefully, you're just feeling yucky because of that....we'll hope that's it anyway.

My daughter just turned 4 in October. I'll send you a pic of her in her Halloween costume.

Like I said, we're also in Tennessee...in the far southeastern county...near cleveland and not far from chattanooga or knoxville. I'll be happy to answer any other questions you may have. As far as my email sticking out to you...I feel that God sends you what you need when you need it...maybe you need me as an adoptive mother....maybe you need me as a friend to give you encouragement and prayer....maybe i need you as well. i think when something is right, you just "click" and know it in your heart.

I'm also on yahoo and sent you an im under flowergoddesslori.

hugs to you and hope to hear from you soon,

Lori

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That night, her instant message popped up on my screen. We spoke for an hour about her life and her situation. Christy told me her mother lived in Ohio and they were somewhat estranged. She didn't speak of her father at all, but had a close relationship with her brother, who also lived in Nashville. She was raising Jasmine alone as the child's father abused her both emotionally and physcially. She had taken Jasmine with only the clothes on their backs and a couple of bags of necessities and left the violent man. She was depressed because she always put up her Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving and she had to leave those things behind. She said Jasmine kept asking for lights and as a mother, she felt she was disappointing her daughter. She was concerned about having enough money for groceries that week and was low on gas for her car. The more she told me, the more my heart broke. As maternal as I am, I just wanted to take care of this girl. It wasn't about me adopting the baby. It was about me being her friend.

Christy told me how she had received hundreds of emails from women begging to adopt her baby. There was one woman named Jackie from New York that was particulary disturbing to her. According to Christy, she had contacted Jackie after finding interest in her email. She said that after a couple of phone conversations, Jackie began "stalking" her. Christy said she had to have her phone number changed and had to change work locations because Jackie was calling her constantly. I personally had seen postings from a woman named Jackie from New York that was writing that she was adopting a baby from Nashville. To be honest, I was a little disturbed by this too!

Christy and I talked on the computer every night for the next couple of weeks. Then, on Thanksgiving Day, she called. She told me she was leaning toward placing her baby with me and asked if I could drive to Nashville the following day to meet her. When I arrived at my relative's house for dinner, the entire family was excited, yet reserved at the news. Of course, no one wanted to see us go through the heartbreak of losing another baby, but everyone knew how I longed for another child. I tried to ease their minds and I shared with them Christy's sincerity and honesty with me. I had even more that Thanksgiving to be thankful for...I knew that next year, Kennedy would have a new baby brother or sister.

That night, sleep didn't come as I tossed and turned with the excitement of meeting Christy and imagining my life with another baby in just a few short months. Tomorrow's meeting would either bring with it the joy of knowing I would become a mother again or the disappointment of realizing it wasn't meant to be.

Hope chapter 12

As Kennedy grew, my love for her deepened. It was amazing to me at how much more I loved her every day. Her smile made me forget my other worries and her laughter was contageous. When she was 2, I opened my own florist and took Kennedy to work with me daily. She was such a good baby and everyone was impressed at how well behaved she was. She enjoyed the public and it didn't take long for her to win everyone over. There was simply no one she couldn't captivate. Unlike a typical toddler, she didn't bother anything on the shelves and was happy to comply with the boundaries set for her in the shop. She would sit for hours crosslegged on my work table and watch me arrange flowers. When she began talking, her first words were colors. She wouldn't just pick out the correct color, she would tell you the name of it. She was petite and looked young for her age, so people would stand with their mouths open when she educated them on colors and flowers. Her hair was straight and a little difficult to manage at that age so her hairstyle of choice was pigtails. She looked so much like "Boo" on Monsters, Inc that even strangers would comment on the resemblence. I thanked God every day for chosing me to be her mommy and cherished every minute with her.

As Kennedy grew, so did my longing for another baby. I knew we didn't have the money to contact Demastus for a second adoption, so I turned to the internet for other options. The costs were so astronomical I just didn't see how we could afford another adoption unless we either fostered to adopt or found a private adoption opportunity.

I contacted a foster agency and they met with Chris and I the following day. By the time the weekend came, we decided to host 9 year old Brittany for the weekend. Brittany was a cute girl with a charming personality. She was very loving and affectionate toward me and after just one night, she began calling me Momma. Brittany had lived with the same foster parents for over a year and we were told they were not interested in adopting her. I found it a little odd that they already had 2 adopted children and were in the process of adopting a sibling group of three, but didn't want to adopt Brittany. I enjoyed my time with her and she seemed very good with Kennedy. For some reason, however, I kept getting the feeling that something about the situation wasn't right. When the social worker picked her up on Sunday, Brittany cried and begged to stay with me. It was heartwrenching, but legally, we were only her weekend host parents and she had to go back. That afternoon, the social worker called again and asked if we wanted to adopt Brittany. I was stunned and a million thoughts ran through my mind. "Why didn't her foster parents want to adopt her too? What if she hates us after a week? What if our personalities don't click? Are there behavioral or other issues we aren't aware of?" The questions were running wild inside my head and I expressed my concerns with proceeding with the adoption. The social worker then told me that we could get her in our home, proceed with adoption, but stop the adoption if we felt we needed to. Big. Red. Flag. Though I wanted with all my heart to help Brittany, there was no way I would bring that poor child in our house, proceed with and then stop an adoption. It wasn't fair to Brittany and it wasn't fair to us. Though it broke my heart, I knew this wasn't the right situation for us, nor was it the right agency to work with.

A few months later, Hope came into my life. She was a friend's little sister and when she walked into the door, I fell in love with her. She had a smile that literally lit up a room, a sweet disposition that made everyone around her feel at ease, a fiery passion for life and a hunger for education. Not only did she have these (and many more) endearing qualities, she was stunning. She had gorgeous brown eyes, long brown hair and exquisite taste in clothes and fashion. She was popular, made good grades and well liked by her friends. If you didn't know her story, you would never guess that she had been through hell in her 15 years of life. Her parents divorced when she was very small and she and her older sister lived with her mentally ill mother. Hope opened up to me quickly and could recall her life as a three year old in detail. Her mother was very loving and affectionate but unfortunately her illness prohibited her from effectivly caring for her children's needs. Hope remembered being hungry and her sister taking her to the neighbor's house for biscuits and gravy because her mother forgot to feed them. She witnessed things a child should never have to be exposed to. She remembered the day the state came to take her away. When the social worker knocked on the door, her mother instructed the girls to hide under the bed. It didn't take long for them to find the children and they were taken out of the arms of their mother. Her father was an alcoholic and was incapeable of raising the children, so they were sent to foster care. The sisters lived in several homes through the years and slowly, their father was working toward getting them back. When Hope was ten or eleven, the state sent the girls to live with him and his wife. It was a rocky homelife for Hope as her father's personal demons were a constant struggle for him. She had moved in with a relative to escape the instability and friction at home, but she wasn't happy there either. After talking to her for a couple of hours, I knew this was the child that I had been waiting for. It just felt right. Within a week of meeting her, she moved into our home as well as my heart.

The first weekend Hope was there, she went with Kennedy and I to pick up my stepdaughter, Hailee. It was a two hour drive each way and we enjoyed our time together. I felt an instant bond with her and it didn't take long for Hailee or Kennedy to grow quite attached to her as well.

As the "newness" of the situation faded, we all fell into a routine. Having an instant teenager was definatly a new experience for me! I was constantly running her to and from school, ballgames, work and a million other places she needed to be. Our home became a favorite hang out and there were kids running in and out all the time. It was hectic sometimes, but I loved it. Hope was a good kid, but she was a teenager, nonetheless, who did "teenagerish" things. It wasn't long before the common struggles between parent and teen started to creep up. Not only that, we were both trying to figure out our new "roles" as best we could. She got mad at me for making her do chores when she didn't want to and I got irritated at her for not calling when she was supposed to, etc, etc, etc. And oh the worry that came along with having a teenager!

When Hope had been in our home almost two years and Kennedy had just turned five. that familiar longing came rushing back. I ached for another child and this time, I turned to the Internet. This was the beginning of my nightmare...

A long awaited day (chapter 11)

I literally dreamed about being a mommy my entire life. I had massive collections of beautiful dolls, but my favorites were those that looked and felt like real babies. As a child, I never went anywhere without at least one baby doll. Sometimes if I were feeling really maternal, I would pretend I was the mother of twins or even triplets! I packed their diaper bags with all the neccesities such as extra clothes, diapers, socks, blankets, and bottles (real ones, of course). Specifically, I would pretend I was at church for the first time showing her off everyone who gathered around us to stare at her beauty.

When Kennedy had just turned three weeks old, my childhood fantasy became reality when Sunday morning came. Before she was even born, I had her outfit picked out. I chose a simple, pale pink Strausburg dress my grandmother had bought her. I had been looking forward to that day my entire life. Even more special, our church family had planned a much needed baby shower after the service. I got up extra early and got myself and Kennedy ready. All the excitement I felt inside turned into a sick feeling when Chris woke up mad at the world. He always seemsed to be irritated on Sunday mornings, but I hoped this morning would be different. Nothing was right...breakfast wasn't made, his clothes weren't ironed, he had a headache, etc, etc, etc. I ended up fighting back the tears and taking Kennedy to church alone.

Of course, my church family doted on Kennedy and each time Chris's name was mentioned, it was all I could do to keep from breaking out in sobs. I didn't want to admit to anyone else, let alone myself, that he just didn't want to be there. So I did what I always did...I made an excuse and said he had overslept. I sat during the service feeling so lonely and sad. I wanted my spouse...Kennedy's daddy...to be with us, not only physically, but mentally. Maybe if I just tried harder it would all turn around. I would try to be a better wife and maybe it would change.

After the service, we went downstairs for Kennedy's shower. Such care was taken in the decorations and food and it was touching to see the lengths everyone had put into the event. I was excited, but still held my breath and positioned myself facing the door in hopes Chris would walk in.

When he entered the room, I could tell by the look on his face he was still mad. I greeted him and hugged him and I felt his back stiffen. "Why are you so upset?" I whispered. He rolled his eyes at me and quitely stood against the wall while I escaped to the bathroom. I tried catching the tears in my tissue and expertly wiped the mascara from my eyes in hopes no one would notice I had been crying. When I rejoined the party, I played the act of happy wife and mother and those who knew me best, pretended right along with me.

Kennedy had so many gifts that we literally had to make two trips with the truck! When I got home, Chris and I unloaded the gifts and he sank into the recliner. He still wouldn't speak to me and I really had no idea what was wrong with him. I got Kennedy bathed, fed and in bed and passed the time washing her new clothes and putting all her gifts away. I tried to recount my actions and figure out why he was so angry and when I asked, he got even more irritated. He went to the guest bedroom without telling me goodnight and though I knew in my heart our marriage was in a downhill spiral, I hoped and prayed it would all be better the following day...for myself, Chris and our new baby.

Home Sweet Home (chapter 10)

Traveling across the country with a 2 week old baby was definitely interesting. Just the sheer amount of luggage we had accumulated was daunting. Thank God we had a direct flight to Nashville in a small prop plane. I was so worried about her ears popping and hurting on the plane, but she slept right through the entire trip.

My mother's boyfriend had been visiting Nashville, so he picked us up from the airport. I was extremely disappointed to learn he hadn't checked out of his hotel and we couldn't start home immediately. At the hotel, he did some last minute work and it seemed like it took an eternity to pack up and finally head out of town. Of course, we had to stop and eat and I was beyond ready to get home.

I'll admit. In my mind, I had really hoped for airport fanfare just like you see in the movies and on TV documentaries. Granted, we were three hours from home, but still so many people promised to be there when we landed. I had envisioned our welcome home committee in my mind so many times. Flowers, tears and hey, maybe a poster or two. Silly, I know. Shows how TV can really set you up for disappointment, huh? Not only did no one greet us at the airport, but it was taking forever to actually make it home!

Finally, we pulled up in my driveway and there were several friends and family members waiting on us inside. Of course, the minute we entered, Kennedy was snatched from my arms and the camera flashes started. It was good to be home with the people who loved us.

I was really looking forward to seeing Chris. He was in the recliner when we got home and it was only after we carried our luggage in that he gave me a quick hug. He felt very distant and somewhat irritated, but I assummed it was just because he was ready to have Kennedy to himself. A couple of hours later, everyone left so we could rest and I collapsed on the couch. He informed me he was hungry and asked what was for dinner. Huh? Was he serious? Yep. He was definately serious. As I made a quick meal of blts and tomato soup I thought about our relationship.

If I told you I was happy, I was lying. From the beginning, everyone told me we would never make it. My family didn't feel he was the best choice of a husband for me, but I was crazy about him. I saw a side of him no one else saw. I saw the gentle father he was to Hailee and now Kennedy. I saw him work hard to make a living for us. I saw him splurge on big surprises for me and saw the way he looked at me with love in his eyes. I saw him stand up for what he believed in and not worry about what others thought. I was bound and determined to make our marriage work. I felt if I were a good wife and did everything expected of me, we would be fine. I made sure the house was cleaned, laundry was done, meals were cooked,Hailee was taken care of and the bills were paid.

Chris had a temper. He wasn't violent, but it was miserable for me when got upset. And he got upset easily and sometimes without warning or reason. For this reason, I did what I was supposed to do, stayed out of his way and never spoke against him. When he got upset, I tried to fix whatever it was that he was mad about. Once, for example, he wanted a new motorcycle... a very expensive motorcycle with payments of over $300 a month. He told me he had called our credit union to set up papers and I would have to go in and sign. I got very quiet and he said, "you don't want me to have a new bike, do you?" As the one who pays the bills, I knew it was much more debt than we could handle. The thoughts of adding to our debt, as well as telling Chris we couldn't afford it made me sick to my stomach. Finally, I told him we couldn't afford it. He already had it figured out. He would use part of a commission check to pay for it. I told him I was worried about using our extra emergency money for a motorcycle payment. He became irrate. For hours that day he wouldn't speak to me and it was miserable to be around him. Instead of standing my ground, I called the credit union and got the money. And now, it was all ok at home.

In the almost 5 years of marriage, I had slowly lost myself. I felt as if I wasn't my own person and was nothing more than a doormat. I had no one to blame but myself though. I couldn't stand conflict so I always gave in. I thought if I handled every aspect of Chris's life, he would be happy. I didn't realize then that I couldn't make him happy. He had to do that for himself. Still, I would try for several more years before I gave up the fight. And in the meantime, I would play the game and lead everyone to believe we were a happy couple.

When we went to bed that night, Chris started sleeping in the spare room for the first time. I knew the addition of children wouldn't make our marriage stronger, but I knew I wouldn't be complete without a child of my own. Honestly, I was using Chris as he was using me. Even though we did love each other, it was a marriage of convenience. I took care of his needs and he helped me become a mother.

As my eyes closed that night, I fell asleep wondering what the future would hold for my family.

sleepless nights (chapter 9)

After years of planning on motherhood, I felt pretty confident I could handle anything Kennedy could dish out. My confidence quickly faded on the second night alone with her.

About midnight, Kennedy woke up from a deep sleep screaming at the top of her lungs. After rubbing her tummy and holding her for well over an hour, she was inconsolable. I gave her a dose of gas drops, but they didn't help either. I began feeling desperate. I tried everything, but could not "fix" her. I started getting tense and upset even though I knew it was only going to make her worse. I couldn't call home because no one would answer the phone in the middle of the night and there was no way I would call Ann. In my mind, I was afraid she would think I wouldn't be a good mother. I finally decided to call the nurse at the hospital that had taken care of us. I was crying when the nurse, Mary, answered the phone. Mary was so sweet and calming and she told me she got off work in an hour and would call before she left to check on us. She said if things weren't better, she would come to the hospital and help me. Thank God for Mary! She asked how I had tried consoling her and she suggested I swaddle her tightly. In the first week of her life, she didn't particularly care if she was swaddled or not, so I never thought to try it. The first blanket i used just seemed to make her more upset, but out of desperation, I tried the afghan my aunt had knitted for her. Oh my gosh! Within 15 minutes, Kennedy was finally asleep and happy. As promised, Mary called when she was ready to leave and I assured her we were fine and of course, gave her my undying gratitude.

Needless to say, the next morning we slept until after lunch. About three, we picked up my mother at the airport so she could help us fly home. Of course, she was thrilled to meet her new granddaughter and I was looking forward to getting a full night's sleep. However, about 11pm, I received a call from Stacy, my stepdaughter Hailee's mother. She was sobbing when I answered the phone and told me Hailee had fallen out of a two story window and was being airlifted to the hospital. She knew Hailee was alive, but had no idea the extent of her injuries. I was overcome with complete panic. I called Chris to tell him (he and Stacy couldn't talk without fighting) and his first instinct was anger. He called Stacy questioning how the fall happened and it ended up in complete outrage. All we could do was wait until Stacy called me back with more information.

The wait was hell. Luckily, Kennedy slept through the drama and I was left pacing the room. I felt an overwhelming sense of helplessness and knew that I couldn't leave the state to be with Hailee. I began praying continuously for God to protect her and guard her from injury. Finally, Stacy called. She said that doctors had performed extensive tests and so far, there were only bruises and scrapes. Within just a few hours of arriving at the hospital, doctors released Hailee. It was a miracle this child was alive. Thank God for taking care of this sweet girl that was such a blessing to me and so many others!

Exhausted, I answered the phone the next morning and it was our attorney. We could go home! It had been 10 days and it was time to make arrangements to leave Tulsa. Chris scheduled our flight for the following day. Luckily, we were able to get a direct flight, which would be quite a blessing with a newborn in tow. I called Jenn with the news and we planned a goodbye dinner that night.

I was looking forward to going home, but I really dreaded leaving Jenn. It felt like she was part of me now and we shared a bond that was just unexplainable. We had spent so much time together and would miss seeing each other every day. I knew it was time for both of us to get on with our new lives, but it would really be difficult leaving.

We met Jenn and her parents and were able to spend a couple of hours with them. As the night winded down, the lump in my throat got bigger. Ann held Kennedy one last time and handed her back to me. It was heart wrenching to watch her say her goodbyes to her granddaughter. She told me how much she appreciated and loved me and promised to pray for us daily. I could tell her heart was breaking and it took all the strength inside her to walk away.

I could no longer hold back the tears when Jenn kissed Kennedy on the forehead and whispered, "Always remember how much I love you." Even as I write now, I am overcome with emotions when I remember that day. I have never seen such an unselfish love manifested in one moment. We hugged until I felt a peace sweep over us. I knew God had prepared both of us to go our separate ways.

Our time in Tulsa was over. It was time to go home.

On our own (chapter 8)

"I will not cry. I will not cry. I have to see clearly without tears because I'm driving with my baby."

That was all I could think as I drove away from the airport. After 6 days in Tulsa, Chris had to leave and go back to work. With an interstate adoption, it usually takes at least 10 days to get clearance to leave the state. Dropping Chris off was difficult and a little scary. I've always been independent, but being left halfway across the country with a newborn was daunting. I had babysat my entire life and had tried for years to get pregnant, but I was terrified I would do something wrong. Am I feeding Kennedy right? What if she gets sick? Should she be outside? So many questions and doubts ran through my mind, but I refused to let my tension take over because Kennedy would sense it and get upset. I decided I would pick up lunch and go back to the hotel for a nap. I had plans with Jenn and her mother, Ann for dinner.

I met them at a local restaurant and I could tell Ann was anxious to see Kennedy. When I pulled back the blanket and Ann looked at her granddaughter, tears filled her eyes. She asked if she could hold her and I placed her in her arms. Jenn had went to the restroom and Ann said, "Lori, if you ever decide you need to give her back, please let me have her." It was so hard seeing the sadness in her eyes and the desperation in her voice. And even though I knew that she spoke out of pure love for Kennedy, I'll admit...it bothered me. I can't imagine being in Ann's position and the pain she felt, but part of me was mad and the other part felt threatened. Though I became a mother without giving birth to a baby, I was a mother, nonetheless. To be honest, all I could think was "there's no way in hell." The tense moment was broken when Kennedy started whining. Ann handed her back to me and I was relieved to have her in my arms again.

Dinner ended up being very relaxed and pleasant. Ann told me that if I needed anything to please call. I assured her I would be fine and truly appreciated the offer. I knew she was sincere and didn't mean to make me feel threatened. She was simply a grandmother losing a grand baby.

Kennedy slept well that night and was only up about every 4 hours. We both slept on and off until almost noon and spent the day watching TV and resting. That afternoon, I took her to her first pediatrician's appointment and the doctor was pleased with her health. She told me to take her out and enjoy her.

I loved having Kennedy all to myself and cherished spending time alone with her, but I was beginning to get homesick. I was ready to sleep in my own bed and settle in at home with Kennedy. Ever since I was a little girl, I had a fantasy about taking my new baby to church. There would be something special about that first Sunday. Friends and family would "ooh" and "ah" over her and I couldn't wait for everyone to meet her. As much as I was ready to go home, I wasn't ready to get back to the real world with all it's stresses. I was content concentrating on nothing but Kennedy. So, until I got the "it's time to go home" call, I would savor our escape from reality and enjoy Tulsa.

"...she's her mommy." chapter 7

When Kennedy was 5 days old, Jenn and I shared a priceless day together. Because of the heartbreaking failed adoption prior to Kennedy, Chris and I chose not to have a shower until after her birth. As a matter of fact, before Kennedy was released from the hospital, Chris had to go get a car seat and a few sleepers until I could get out to go shopping. My sweet grandmother had bought 3 gorgeous outfits with matching blankets, but that was pretty much all we had.

I needed to register at Babies R Us for our loved ones back home (whom, of course, were chomping at the bits to buy for Kennedy) and I couldn't think of anyone I'd rather experience that with than Jenn. I was hesitant about asking her because I didn't want to upset her, but when I approached her about it, she was thrilled. We spent hours picking out the things our sweet baby would need. We decided that, for Kennedy, the obvious choice of bedding and room decor was pink. Tiny pink flowers and foamy green accents covered the quilt and would compliment the white crib beautifully.

After we registered, we went back through the store and shopped for the things I needed immediately. We were out of the basics from the hospital so I had to buy everything from diapers and wipes to onsies, sleepers and socks. How I had waited for the day I could buy those things for my daughter without the fear she would be taken from me and all I would have left are her things.

Then came that akward moment. When the saleslady saw Kennedy's birthday on the registry she asked, "Which one of you is the mom?" Jenn quickly said, "Oh, I'm her birthmom, but she is her mommy." Tears welled up in the lady's eyes and she replied, "What a lucky little girl." All I could think is, "Thank you God. What an amazing woman."

As we walked to the car Jenn told me she could tell I was miserable being away from Kennedy. I missed my baby so bad it hurt, but didn't want to upset Jenn. I admitted I was going crazy without her and she simply said, "go get your baby and lets go to lunch." We went to the hotel and found Kennedy sleeping soundly. Like little girls with a baby doll, we changed her into one of the cute new outfits and took her with us. At lunch, servers and customers commented on Kennedy's beauty. Jenn seemed to enjoy watching me care for her and expressed her contentment at being "Aunt Jenn."

At the end of this perfect day, I held Kennedy until she fell asleep under my chin. I cherished the feel of her soft, silky black hair on my skin and the sweet smell of baby lotion. I was in no hurry to get home and have to share her with those so excited to meet her. I didn't want to return to everyday life and was perfectly content being halfway across the country with my little girl.

Our time here as a family had been wonderful but there was a big dread I could now feel in my stomach. The next day, Chris would board a plane for home and Kennedy and I would be left in Tulsa...completely alone.