"Do you want to adopt my niece's baby?" (chapter 2)

The transition between infertility treatments and adoption was difficult for me. You see, I was a "planner." I had it all figured out by the time I was a freshman in high school. I would go to culinary school at Le Cordon Blu in France for a year or two, get a great job in a big city, marry my first love, have my first daughter at age 24, have a son at age 27 and then have my last daughter at 31.

Well, wouldn't you know.....I ended up with a B.A. in Communications, my first love was killed in a car wreck, my high school boyfriend ditched me after many years, I married a different guy and conception wasn't happening. As far as my dream job as a top chef? I ended up loving my mother's florist so much that after I graduated college (big, expensive degree in tote), I started designing flowers.

Upon realizing I wasn't in control, (Sorry God. I'm a slow learner) I really tried to ditch the planning. In one way, infertility treatments became easy for me. I didn't have to think. I didn't have to make decisions. I simply had to comply with my doctor's orders.

Now, with adoption our option, I was completely overwhelmed and felt hopeless. Where on earth do I start? The Internet left me dumbfounded and even more discouraged, so when Sarah* (see blog "How it all began") came into my life, I found an ally. Together, we muddled through the different avenues to adopt.

Low and behold, within weeks of stopping infertility and researching adoption, my life was turned upside down by a customer who walked in the florist. I greeted her and asked her if I could help her in any way. She responded, "Actually, I'm here to help you. My name is Dee* and I"m a friend of Sherry*. Sherry* told me you had been trying with no luck to have a baby." She continued, "I'm here to see if you wanted to adopt my pregnant niece's baby.

Totally caught off guard, to say the least, I was speechless. Tears couldn't be held back and all I couldn't believe someone was cruel enough to joke about something like this! After several minutes, I finally asked, "Is this a joke?"

Over the next hour, Dee* explained the situation to me. Her niece, Angie*, was 7 months pregnant with her 3rd or 4th baby. She didn't have custody of any of her children and they lived with their fathers. She had had a few brushes with the law and had spent time in jail as a result. She was currently living with Dee*, who would help her find an adoptive family. When I was convinced she was serious, I called Chris, who immediately agreed we wanted to be the parents to this baby. Dee* asked us to keep her and Angie's indentity a secret as it is such a small town.

The next day, Chris and I met with an attorney and he explained the law to us. He said that Angie* could fill out paperwork before the birth, but nothing could be submitted to the courts until birth, as the legal system doesn't recognize a baby as a baby until it is born. (Which, in an of itself is a mystery to me) He also explained to us that we could provide financial assistance to her under careful provisions. I checked with the local hospital and they assured us that at birth, we would even be able to stay there with the baby. I met with Dee* and Angie* went ahead and filled out all the paperwork. She also noted that she didn't want living expenses paid by us.

I spoke with Dee* every day and she assured us that Angie* was serious and excited about us parenting her baby. On several occasions, I asked if Angie* would talk to me and Dee* always had a reason it wasn't possible. One afternoon, Dee* brought in a copy of our baby's ultrasound on VHS and pictures as well. It was a boy! Overjoyed, I went home and Chris and I watched our son in wonder for about an hour that night. We couldn't believe this baby was ours! That night, Dee* called and said there was a problem. She said Angie* was 3 months behind on her car payment and needed $900. If we didn't produce the money by the next morning, she was going to go to Nashville so the car wouldn't get repossessed. I told her that Angie said she didn't want living expenses and I wouldn't give her money without consulting my attorney. Dee's response? "You're going to lose this baby if you don't give her what she wants, Lori. Call your grandparents for money. If you're serious about this, I need the money by noon tomorrow."

Needless to say, I was frantic. We literally didn't have the money, but even so, something felt strange. I got that horrible "something isn't right" feeling. Chris apparently did too, but he handled it differently than I. He told me we would not be extorted for money no matter how much we wanted the baby. He felt she tore at our heartstrings, then went in for the kill. I, on the other hand, was trying not to panic. Deep down I knew something wasn't right, but I still wanted to believe it would all be OK.

The next morning, Dee* called and asked about the money. I repeated to her that it was a weekend and we couldn't give assistance without attorney approval and even so, we couldn't give her the full $900. Dee* became irate. She said Angie* was going to leave and for someone who wanted a baby so bad, I sure wasn't acting like it. I told her Angie* could move in with us for the remainder of the pregnancy, but she refused. She called a couple more times that day and that night, Chris answered the phone. This game would end now. Chris was pissed.

"Don't you ever call and demand money from us again. If Angie* needs help, she can move in with us. If she needs living expenses, it will have to wait until we can talk to our attorney Monday." I sat in the floor of the new nursery and cried. Even though I knew he was right, I was terrified. Had he just ruined our chances of becoming parents to this little boy? I sat in the nursery and cried.

Though the calls from Dee* became less regular, she assured me Angie* still wanted to give the baby to us. We decided to name our son Hayden. His nursery was ready, his clothes were washed and his parents were on cloud 9. Granted, Chris and I both had a sick feeling, but we tried to correlate those feelings to nervousness.

A friend from the hospital called at 9pm one night and said Dee* and Angie* were at the hospital because Angie's water had broke. She asked if we were coming, but because Dee* hadn't contacted us, we felt it best we didn't intrude. At 9:30 the following morning, I got the call.

"Well Lori I have good news and bad news. First off, we have a beautiful, healthy baby boy but...." Dee said. I couldn't breathe as I waited for the bad news. "Angie has decided to keep the baby."

My world stood still. I dropped the phone and fell to my knees. I've never known such grief...such a loss. The babies I had lost were an incredible loss and the addition of losing Hayden was almost unbearable. I was in a fog all day. I couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't function. That afternoon, I reached Angie* in her room.

I will never, until the day I die, forget what I said. "Angie, this is Lori. I just wanted you to know that I understand you couldn't give your baby to me. I wouldn't be able to if the roles were reversed. I do want you to know, however, that we have carried him in our hearts for the past 5 years and and we love him. I wish only the best for him and you and I will be praying for you to be the mother you want to be."

Angie* began crying and asked us to be his godparents. She said we could see him as often as we wanted. As desperate as I was, I couldn't agree. I told her we had thought of him as ours and we couldn't just keep him a while and give him back. It was all or nothing. The conversation ended on good terms with no hostility or animosity toward each other.

The next month was miserable. Just when I was able to feel like a functioning adult again, I was hit with a bomb. I found out Dee had kept the baby. She had been buying baby gear from new mothers in town the whole time she had been promising the baby to us.

It had been a game all along. A con for money. Devastation was mixed with rage and betrayal. How could anyone be so cruel? It was incomprehensible. I had no idea that years later, we would face the same fate all over again.