Finally mine (chapter 6)

Spending the next hour with our new daughter and the amazing woman who brought her into the world was magical. Jenn told us she had spent some time with her after birth and felt peaceful about the decision to give Kennedy to us. I could tell Ann* was having a difficult time, but was supportive in Jenn's decision and stepped aside to let us bond with our new baby.

We were taken to our room to settle in and let Jenn rest. I changed Kennedy into one of the outfits my grandmother had given her and snuggled her under my chin. That afternoon, Jenn came to visit. She didn't want to hold Kennedy, but seemed to enjoy hanging out with us and watching us care for her. That night, Kennedy bounced from my bed to Chris's sofa without ever leaving our arms, much less, our room. She was very content and cried only when she was hungry, which was constantly, it seemed.

Jenn was released from the hospital the next morning and Chris and I followed a couple of hours later. I couldn't believe we were leaving the hospital with our very own baby. How I had longed for this day. When we reached the hotel, our home for the next two weeks, we took turns snuggling our newborn daughter. It was at this point, that I somewhat had an emotional breakdown. I found it hard to function as I was overwhelmed with fear. I was already in love with Kennedy and was so terrified Jenn would change her mind. Jenn would go before the judge the next day and after she spoke with him, her rights would be revoked forever. Even after Jenn called and voiced her peace and certainty about her decision, I still was paralyzed with fear. Literally. I felt deeply depressed. I just wanted to sleep until it was all over and I knew no one would take her away from me. Chris pretty much took total control over Kennedy's care that day and I sank further into despair. I felt guilty for not taking care of this child I had prayed for and waited so long for, but my body would not function. I felt as if I were holding my breath until I knew Kennedy was mine forever.

Twelve hours later, I was able to exhale. Jenn had spoken with the judge and had signed papers terminating her parental rights. It was over. Kennedy was mine. My body released all tension and fear and I picked my daughter up and looked into her big brown eyes. Immeasurable love and thankfulness radiated from my heart and I basked in this moment I had been waiting for my entire life.

Jenn wanted to spend some time together and we decided to meet for dinner. She met us at our hotel and brought gifts. She gave Kennedy an outfit, blanket and teddy bear and gave us a card. In it, she said she was thankful for us and loved us for loving Kennedy. We went to dinner at the restaurant Jenn served at so her friends could admire the daughter we shared together. They were all supportive to Jenn and welcoming to us. She held Kennedy for a few minutes, but Kennedy started to cry and Jenn said, "OK Mommy, she wants you."

That night, I held Kennedy in my arms as we drifted off to sleep and...I never let go.