The problems with adoption from a legal standpoint are really two fold.
The first is that the laws governing adoption procedures vary from state to state. When we adopted Kennedy in Oklahoma, we ended up paying 10 months of living expenses for her birth mom. Also, after birth, once papers were signed in the judge's chambers, she couldn't change her mind. She didn't just go in and sign papers, the judge made sure it was something she could live with the rest of her life. She said he was quite grueling and made sure she understood she was entitled to change her mind, irregardless of money she was provided for the adoption plan. Emotionally, it would have been beyond devastating to have to give up my precious Kennedy, but I can't even imagine how devastating it was for her birth mother. Financially speaking, for us, worst case scenario is we could have paid 9 months living expenses and travel expenses and her birth mom could have changed her mind and we would have lost tens of hundreds of money. This is money that of course, can't be returned. I've heard people say that if they pay that much money for an expectant mom's living expenses and they don't get the baby, they should be paid back the money. Ok now people, lets think about this. If I, as a potential adoptive parent (PAP) pay living expenses for a pregnant woman and she changes her mind, how do I have the right to say she should pay me back? Wouldn't that be extortion on my part? Wouldn't that be paying for a baby? When an PAP pays living expenses, it enables the expectant mother to alleviate some of the stresses in her life. It's imperative that all monies paid go through an attorney or agency. Once, Kingston's birth mother asked me for $25 for a book about sexual relationships. My response was "I wouldn't pay that for myself. That's not a living expense. So heck no, I'm not buying you a $25 book." That's an example of what the financial relationship shouldn't be. Monies given are for living expenses, not $25 books.
In my experience, I've paid expenses for two pregnant woman. As I said earlier, Kennedy's birth mom received 9 months living expenses before birth and a month afterward. She had medical, so that expense was alleviated. We became close through the process and no topic was off limits, but money was never mentioned. She simply took her bills to the attorney and the attorney paid them. If she had changed her mind after birth, we would have lost all that money. It would have been a very tough financial loss and would have taken a long time to recover from. We would have had to put the adoption on hold until we could pay some of the money we had borrowed back before we added to it again. But you know what? That's a chance you take. It just is. When you're pregnant or there is a potential birth mom involved, no one ever knows what will happen to the baby either. Will the baby be born healthy? Will she have developmental problems? Will she even make it through the birth alive? All of these fears encapsulate all expecting mothers, pregnant or not. If there is a miscarriage or an unhealthy, sick or physical challenge upon birth would you want your money back since it's not your idea of a perfect child? I would hope not. But you do hear of those instances too where expectant mothers have picked out a family for her baby and she has the child with medical issues and the PAPs no longer want the child. Come on now, this goes both ways.
Kingston's birth mom was more of a challenge to work with. She was constantly requesting unreasonable material things and of course, we could not and did not provide money for those things. In North Carolina, I think we paid 4 months of living expenses. In this state, she could have legally changed her mind and reclaimed Kingston 10 business days following the birth. This, of course, varies from state to state. I remember that once she told me she would sign paperwork waiving her waiting time to termination and I refused. There was absolutely no way I was going to do this as it could have the potential of coming back up at another time and making me look like I had pushed her to sign before it was legally required. We got along well during the pregnancy, but it wasn't an easy, comfortable relationship like I had with Kennedy's birth family.
I said all that to say this, the adoption laws need to be the same across the country. There needs to be a set number of months allowed to pay living expenses and a standard set time the birth mother can change her mind. That way, both parties know what they are getting into up front regardless of the state they reside in. An expectant mother can live in Florida and a couple in Maine and the laws are the same. Doesn't it just make sense?
Scam artists know that living expenses allowances vary from state to state so they chose PAPs in multiple states to maximize their income. This allows them to use the same story and due date without getting confused. One thing on the Dateline report that wasn't clear is that we did use an attorney. Professional scammers aren't afraid to use attorneys, adoption agencies and facilities. Amy met with the adoption attorney we chose for her. She was a member of the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys and we felt comfortable that she was the best. This "amazing" attorney didn't check any information on Amy before she handed her a check for almost 1k. She didn't check medical or pregnancy records, residence (even though she gave her rent money) and get this...she didn't even check her driver's license. Had she checked she would have figured out pretty quickly that "Crystal Tidwell Miller" as she was known to us at the time, was really Amy Cumbee. When the scam was uncovered, the attorney informed me that her name had "better not get out or I would be sorry."
On the flip side, expectant women who are planning on adoption should feel protected by going to an attorney or agency. Their records can be checked and they can continue with the plan without feeling like the PAPs are questioning her validity or truthfulness. It just makes all parties involved more relaxed and secure that everyone is legit. Adoption attorneys in Nashville pitched a fit when Rep. Maddox presented the bill because it made them more responsible for investigation. Obviously, the money is more important than making sure that #1 the paperwork and records of honest expectant mothers are in order so their intentions aren't second guessed and they aren't made to feel like they are scamming anyone #2 that a little investigation on their part helps protects paps emotionally and financially and #3 scammers will not want to approach them knowing they will be investigated and if they are stupid and/or sinister enough to try, they will be caught. It's just a no brainer.
The second disastrous issue is that when scammers are caught, there is not one law in place to charge them with.
Did you catch that? There is NO law in place to charge adoption scammers with. It's so ridiculous it bears repeating. How can there not be a law making it illegal to scam prospective parents with the promise of a baby and then destroy their lives and hearts and take hundreds of thousands of money from them? Half the time, there isn't even a baby! When I spoke....ok, pleaded...with FBI about charging Amy I was informed that because she hadn't gotten over 10k from us it wasn't any of their concern. So basically, it's incredibly difficult to find something to charge scammers with. And unless they have a warrant or probable cause for a crime, they can't even be arrested. Law enforcement has to grasp at straws trying to find something so basically, unless they are doing something else, they get away with it. In my experience, there have only been a couple of law enforcement officers that "get it." They understand it's a crime of the heart and they spend hours trying to find something to charge them with and keep them in jail for a while. Thankfully, the current arresting officer has found other things to charge her with. Here is her current court document and charges.
Name:
AMY MARIE SLANINA
Sex: F
DOB: Mar 1, 1979
Height: 5 FT 4 IN
Weight: 175 LBS
Race:
Hair Color: BROWN
Hair Length: BELOW THE NECK
Eye Color: BROWN
Complexion: LIGHT SKINNED
Incarceration Information:
Current Location: County:
Current Housing Section: FWR Current Housing Block: B POD
Commitment Date: 12/30/2011 Release Date:
Alias Information:
SLANINA
AMY SLINIA
AMY SLAINIA
AMY OST
MARRISA FOTLTZ
AMY OSTE
Bond Information:
Type: Amount: $10,000.00 Status: Open Posted By: Post Date:
Type: Amount: $25,000.00 Status: Open Posted By: Post Date:
Type: Amount: $1,500.00 Status: Dismissed Posted By: Post Date:
Detainer Information:
Comp No 78653 Charge OHIO DEPT OF CORRECTIONS Comp Date 01/04/2012 Issued By STATE OF OHIO Set By PAROLE OFFICER ANDERSON
Charge Information:
Case # Description Grade Off Date Jurisdiction
CR-1-12 USE/POSS OF DRUG PARAPH 12/29/2011 MJ
Comm Date Dis Date Conv Date Sent Date Sentence Sent Type
12/30/2011 0 Y, 0 M, 0 D
Case # Description Grade Off Date Jurisdiction
CR-1-12 DIVERSION OF SERVICES 12/29/2011 MJ
Comm Date Dis Date Conv Date Sent Date Sentence Sent Type
12/30/2011 0 Y, 0 M, 0 D
Case # Description Grade Off Date Jurisdiction
CR-1-12 THEFT BY DECEP-FALSE IMPRESSION 12/29/2011 MJ
Comm Date Dis Date Conv Date Sent Date Sentence Sent Type
12/30/2011 0 Y, 0 M, 0 D
Case # Description Grade Off Date Jurisdiction
CR-17-12 CRIMINAL USE OF COMMUNICATION FACILITY MJ
Comm Date Dis Date Conv Date Sent Date Sentence Sent Type
12/30/2011 0 Y, 0 M, 0 D
Case # Description Grade Off Date Jurisdiction
CR-17-12 DISORDER CONDUCT HAZARDOUS/PHYSI OFF MJ
Comm Date Dis Date Conv Date Sent Date Sentence Sent Type
12/30/2011 0 Y, 0 M, 0 D
Case # Description Grade Off Date Jurisdiction
CR-400-11 USE/POSS OF DRUG PARAPH 12/29/2011 MJ
Comm Date Dis Date Conv Date Sent Date Sentence Sent Type
12/30/2011 01/04/2012 0 Y, 0 M, 0 D
Best case scenario is other victims will come out and Officer Koprivnak will be able to add to the charges and keep her in prison for a while. Hopefully, national attention will push government to pass a law making adoption scam a felony. Unfortunately, it's becoming very common for paps to become victims of this crime. Obviously, it's such an easy con, scammers continue without fear of being caught or incarceration.
It's up to each one of us now to respond. Start here. I'm currently working on a petition to send to government officials and will post as soon as it's ready for signatures. The change will start with us.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
She's back...
I thought I was "over it." I thought I was finished going through the stages of grief. I thought it was all in my past. I thought by some miracle she had stopped. I was wrong.
I checked my email a week ago and found four messages regarding Amy, who is now going by the name Amy Jo Slanina. She has several aliases she's used through the years. First names include Amy, Amy Jo, Aimee, Amiee, Crystal, Christy, Marissa and Marie. Last names include Cumbee (her maidan name), Ost (a married name), Hodge (a married name), Slanina, Tidwell and Miller.
The first email was from an Executive Director at a domestic abuse shelter. She told me that Amy had been staying in her shelter under false pretenses, claiming to be pregnant. That's pretty much all her email said so I moved along to the second one from a police officer in Kittanning Borough PA, Officer Greg Koprivnak. My heart started pounding when I read the first crucial sentence. "Today I have found she is up to her old tricks and scammed a couple from Idaho into coming to Pennsylvania under the same pretenses that they were going to get to adopt a baby." He told me he had arrested her on simple drug charges, but was familiar with the Dateline story and was hopeful there were more serious charges to come. He asked me to contact him with information on her to help with the investigation.
After reading these emails, I was so shocked that my hands could barely navigate the keyboard to open the others. These were the letters written by professionals. I skimmed through the next two with tears in my eyes. Oh dear God....more victims.
The first victim is a woman who was in a relationship with Amy from Sept-Nov. Amy claimed to have just gotten out of a relationship with Christy Tidwell (the same Christy she used in our scam). She told "J" that she was a nurse and was pregnant via in vitro with twins. While Amy was staying with her, she claimed her mother passed away and she left to go to be with her family in PA. There, she went into labor and gave birth to the twins, who conveniently were in NICU and "J" couldn't visit. She brought back pictures of the babies and the couple named them Seth and Olivia. Amy said she wanted to marry "J" and on the day she went to the hospital to bring Seth home, she never returned. Within hours of leaving, her cell phone was disconnected. Four days later, "J" received a letter in the mail from Amy stating that she was going back to Christy and wasn't in love with her. Amy stole over $700 worth of possessions from "J" and her family. When she was contacted by Officer Koprivnak regarding the drug arrest, "J" said she would press charges.
I've heard this particular story from Amy TWICE before. The first being Christy Miller Tidwell and the second, a woman named Lisa in Ohio. Lisa contacted me in February 2010. She had known Amy about 17 months after meeting through a Craigslist ad. When they began talking Amy was in jail in Davidson County TN for stealing a vehicle. When she was released she moved to Ohio to be with Lisa. Of course, Amy was pregnant in vitro with twins and wanted to marry her and start a business and family with her. She lived with Lisa and her mother and they all prepared the arrival of the babies. Amy provided ultrasound pictures and said she had inherited money from her grandfather's death and had paid off Lisa's car. (The car was later repossesed, much to Lisa's surprise.) One day, Amy borrowed Lisa's mother's car and went to go run errands. Several hours later her phone was disconnected and she never returned. She took Lisa's mother's checks, credit cards and car and was found in PA the following day and arrested. Lisa's mother went in front of the Grand Jury in March. See http://www.10tv.com/live/content/local/stories/2010/04/30/story-mount-vernon-woman-accused-of-faking-pregnancy.html . In June, she was sentenced to 17 months. Here is a news video from the sentencing : http://www.10tv.com/live/content/local/stories/2010/06/04/story-mount-vernon-woman-sentenced-pregnancy-fraud.html?sid=102 .
The fourth and final email was from a woman named Rebecca. After reading the first few sentences of her story, a heaviness enveloped me. Her experience with Amy was so similar to mine I couldn't stop the tears. I was overwhelmed in grief for the pain of this woman as I relived every painful moment of losing the baby Amy promised me. On top of everything else, it was almost 6 years to the day. Right during the holidays. As a woman longing for a baby, I spent every holiday wondering if I would have that precious child in my arms the next year. Would it be my last Christmas as a mother of one? Oh how I would dream and plan and envision spending the holidays as a mother of two. The years would come and go and with each holiday that passed, I became more and more depressed and hopeless. The year Amy came into my life was a few days before Thanksgiving and she disappeared the day before Christmas. It was a hellish nightmare. Where was the woman who had promised she would give me the baby I had been dreaming of? Was she ok? What if something had happened to her and the baby? I was overtaken with worry and the worry quickly turned to grief when I realized I had been scammed. This same nightmare had become a reality for Rebecca and I grieved with her.
Rebecca and Barry were contacted by Amy on Dec 23 through their website. Amy presented herself as "Aimee", a 19 year old living in Indiana PA and attending nursing school. She claimed to work at Walmart and lived with the father of the baby named Mike. Mike was a criminal justice major and worked at a home for troubled boys. She told Rebecca up front that she didn't want any money as they were both employed and had medical insurance. She explained that she placed a baby 2 years ago named Olivia in an open adoption, but that was "too hard" so she prefered a closed adoption this time around. She was expecting a baby girl on Jan 17th. They had one phone conversation with her, but after the initial call, it was strictly texting or email. Interestingly enough, they also corresponded with "Mike" several times via text and email. Things moved quickly and a case worker from their agency talked to her just 3 days later and confirmed a meeting on Dec 30 in which they would verify pregnancy and start paperwork. Aimee conveniently went into labor the evening of Dec 30 and the couple immediately made arrangements to get to the hospital 2000 miles away.
With tears streaming down my face, I made my way to the text messages Rebecca sent with the email.
It was déjà vu.
Mike began texting the couple claiming that Aimee's water had just broke and she was crying in pain and he was heartbroken watching her hurt. Rebecca told them they were on their way and they were praying. Mike asks "promise you are coming?" The couple reassured them they would be there the following morning before 6am.
As the texts were being exchanged, the excited couple was driving the 3.5 hours to Salt Lake City airport. Right before departure to JFK, they got what would be their last text from "Mike and Aimee."
Rebecca: "No internet in flight. How are things going?"
Mike: "OMG"
Upon arriving in New York and traveling to Pittsburgh, the couple tried contacting Aimee, but there was no response. Sick with worry, they drove to the hospital and of course, they had no patient by the name Aimee Jo Slanina. They checked the other area hospitals in desperation and the reality sank it. They had been scammed.
Later, they received a call from Officer Koprivnak in Kittanning, PA (the same officer who contacted me) and he told them he had arrested Aimee/Amy. Apparently, the director at the abuse shelter had misgivings about her, googled her, and found the Dateline story. Officer Koprivnak found out she hadn't checked in with per parole officer in Ohio and was able to take her into custody. He found their text messages after confiscating her cell phone and immediately called them. He confirmed Amy had been scamming them and from what he could tell, there was no baby.
Even though they hadn't given Amy any money, they lost $3000 on flight, car and hotel. What's more though, they got their hearts broken. Everything happened so fast, they saw no red flags to question her validity. The agency did everything they could given the time frame they were given, particularly with the holidays.
Even more frightening, Amy never asked for money. She did it for the thrill and power.
Words can't put into words the heartbreak I felt all over again. I grieved for Rebecca and I grieved again for myself. Now, a week later, I realize I have worked through the devastation of losing the baby, but I have pushed back the pain of the scam itself. I feel guilty for not doing more to protect others not only from Amy, but from the other adoption scammers hurting others daily. In the wake of my scam, former TN Rep Mark Maddox wrote a bill making adoption scam a felony, but it was pushed back by attorneys. Instead of fighting for it, I let it go. I went on with my life and tried to forget. The more the grief subsides, the more the anger rises. I can't let this go on. I can't stand aside and not fight for adoption laws. Obviously, adoption scammers are terrorizing the lives of potential adoptive parents, but what about birth mothers and women who are considering adoption? Women who have chosen adoption for their children are being looked down upon. Women who are considering adoption and change their minds and parent are being labeled scammers. Yes, this is my other soap box. Let's get this straight right now. Pregnant woman may have completely decided to place their baby with the "perfect" couple they have chosen. They may have accepted living expenses. When the baby is born though, they decide to parent. Yes, the couple is devastated. I've been there. It's horrific. BUT, she has every right to change her mind. She's a woman who has given birth to the baby she has carried for nine months and deciding to parent does not make her a scammer. It's a chance potential adoptive parents take. Unfortunately, pregnant women considering adoption are now often times second guessed because of those women who scam other financially and/or emotionally with the promise of a baby. The laws regarding expenses vary from state to state. There are no laws in which to charge women who are legitimately scamming others. The adoption system is out of control and there is nothing in place to protect anyone involved.
I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm outraged. I'm determined. I will not stop until changes take place.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Watching the clock (chapter 14)
When I returned from Thanksgiving dinner, I waited for the phone call from Christy confirming a time to meet the following day. I had a lump in my throat and a horrible "gut feeling" that something was wrong. Christy had called collect the day before so I had no way of getting in touch with her except through email. I sent her a note asked her to contact me and let me know if she was ok and if she still wanted to meet. My heart ached for another baby and I was so hopeful that this was the opportunity I had been praying for. I was also concerned about Christy. She was so hopeful and excited when we spoke and I was worried something had happened to her.
In the conversation the night before, Christy confided in me that Jasmine was upset because they didn't have a Christmas tree to put up the day after Thanksgiving. Christy explained that her ex husband had kicked she and Jasmine out with just the clothes on their backs. I couldn't stand the thoughts of them not having a Christmas tree, so I bought them a tree, lights and ornaments with the hopes we might could even decorate it together. Concerned that Christy didn't have enough for herself and Jasmine, I also cleaned out mine and Kennedy's closet and ended up with bags full of toys, shoes and clothes for both of them. This young mother was trying so hard to make a life for her and her daughter that I just wanted to help ease the burden in any way I could. I couldn't wait to help them and hopefully, make things a little easier for Christy.
Though thankful for the diversion of packing my jeep, I couldn't deny there was still no word from Christy. I slept with the phone on my pillow and got up several times during the night to check my email.
The next morning, I tried my best to go about mine and Kennedy's regular routine, but I couldn't take my eyes off the clock and my hand off the phone. As the day crept by, I realized that the meeting with Christy wasn't going to happen. My hopes fell and I tried to keep reminding myself that God had perfect timing and maybe this wasn't in His plan. As a mother through adoption, I hung onto every glimmer of hope I was given. Some might think I should have been more cautious with my heart, but after been given Kennedy, I knew it was worth the chance of getting hurt. It's a desperation. I knew that becoming a mother was in God's hands, yet it was in another woman's hands too. Out of all the women in the world to chose from to raise her baby, she would have to pick me. If she didn't, I would never have another child. I found myself clinging to that one phone call...that one chance...that one baby.
I tried to pass the time by checking my email and visiting several adoption message boards in which I was a member. Upon first contact with Christy, I had posted an inquiry on an adoption scam website about her and had an email waiting on me from a woman named Jackie in New York. I couldn't believe it! It was the same woman that Christy had told me about! I called her immediately and it didn't take long to find inconsistencies in the things Christy was telling each of us. According to Jackie, Christy had chosen she and her husband as adoptive parents and wanted them to come visit her. Christy was telling me she was undecided as to who she would place her baby with. If she had decided to give the baby to Jackie, I was happy she had found the couple she was looking for, but I didn't understand why she would tell me she was undecided. Jackie told me she had tried to call Christy with the number she was given, but it was a disconnected number. I felt horrible telling her I was supposed to meet Christy and I could hear the pain and disappointment in her voice. I got off the phone with her feeling even more uneasy about the situation.
I sat in front of the computer and stared at the second email I had on the Yahoo Adoption Scam Board. It was from a woman named Brenda Baez. Dare I open this email? I had the feeling this email would be from someone else Christy had promised her baby to. Brenda explained to me that she was an adoptive mother who had also been contacted by Christy. She said she lives only 20 minutes away from her and they had met several months before and had became friends. Brenda was matched with another expectant mother, so she wasn't interested in adopting Christy's baby but had become a source of support for her. She said she had taken her to a couple of doctor's appointments and had even babysat Jasmine. She told me that Christy was excited about meeting me and she felt a bond with me. After seeing my post about Christy's validity, she wanted to ease my mind and let me know that Christy was who she said she was....a scared single mother who couldn't raise another child and had chosen adoption. She also said that she was, in fact, still undecided on parents for her baby.
That afternoon, I got another collect call from Christy. She apologized for not getting in touch with me earlier and told me she had been upset all day. She said she had received an email from someone named Jennifer, who had accused her of being a con artist. She was afraid Jennifer had contacted me and i wouldn't want to meet her. She never said where this woman came from or why she had confronted her, and to be honest it didn't matter to me. All I knew was that Christy was upset and shaken at the accusation and it angered me that someone would do such a thing. I assured her that Jennifer hadn't contacted me and I didn't believe she had anything but the best of intentions. Through tears, Christy told me how difficult things were for her. Jasmine's father was refusing to pay child support and though she had pleaded with the courts, they weren't enforcing payment. I assured her I would do anything I could to help her.
I believed her. I believed she was the person Brenda descibed. And even though I prayed she would chose me to be the baby's mother, I would be her friend through this. I cared about her and felt sorry for her. And...I would meet her the following day.
In the conversation the night before, Christy confided in me that Jasmine was upset because they didn't have a Christmas tree to put up the day after Thanksgiving. Christy explained that her ex husband had kicked she and Jasmine out with just the clothes on their backs. I couldn't stand the thoughts of them not having a Christmas tree, so I bought them a tree, lights and ornaments with the hopes we might could even decorate it together. Concerned that Christy didn't have enough for herself and Jasmine, I also cleaned out mine and Kennedy's closet and ended up with bags full of toys, shoes and clothes for both of them. This young mother was trying so hard to make a life for her and her daughter that I just wanted to help ease the burden in any way I could. I couldn't wait to help them and hopefully, make things a little easier for Christy.
Though thankful for the diversion of packing my jeep, I couldn't deny there was still no word from Christy. I slept with the phone on my pillow and got up several times during the night to check my email.
The next morning, I tried my best to go about mine and Kennedy's regular routine, but I couldn't take my eyes off the clock and my hand off the phone. As the day crept by, I realized that the meeting with Christy wasn't going to happen. My hopes fell and I tried to keep reminding myself that God had perfect timing and maybe this wasn't in His plan. As a mother through adoption, I hung onto every glimmer of hope I was given. Some might think I should have been more cautious with my heart, but after been given Kennedy, I knew it was worth the chance of getting hurt. It's a desperation. I knew that becoming a mother was in God's hands, yet it was in another woman's hands too. Out of all the women in the world to chose from to raise her baby, she would have to pick me. If she didn't, I would never have another child. I found myself clinging to that one phone call...that one chance...that one baby.
I tried to pass the time by checking my email and visiting several adoption message boards in which I was a member. Upon first contact with Christy, I had posted an inquiry on an adoption scam website about her and had an email waiting on me from a woman named Jackie in New York. I couldn't believe it! It was the same woman that Christy had told me about! I called her immediately and it didn't take long to find inconsistencies in the things Christy was telling each of us. According to Jackie, Christy had chosen she and her husband as adoptive parents and wanted them to come visit her. Christy was telling me she was undecided as to who she would place her baby with. If she had decided to give the baby to Jackie, I was happy she had found the couple she was looking for, but I didn't understand why she would tell me she was undecided. Jackie told me she had tried to call Christy with the number she was given, but it was a disconnected number. I felt horrible telling her I was supposed to meet Christy and I could hear the pain and disappointment in her voice. I got off the phone with her feeling even more uneasy about the situation.
I sat in front of the computer and stared at the second email I had on the Yahoo Adoption Scam Board. It was from a woman named Brenda Baez. Dare I open this email? I had the feeling this email would be from someone else Christy had promised her baby to. Brenda explained to me that she was an adoptive mother who had also been contacted by Christy. She said she lives only 20 minutes away from her and they had met several months before and had became friends. Brenda was matched with another expectant mother, so she wasn't interested in adopting Christy's baby but had become a source of support for her. She said she had taken her to a couple of doctor's appointments and had even babysat Jasmine. She told me that Christy was excited about meeting me and she felt a bond with me. After seeing my post about Christy's validity, she wanted to ease my mind and let me know that Christy was who she said she was....a scared single mother who couldn't raise another child and had chosen adoption. She also said that she was, in fact, still undecided on parents for her baby.
That afternoon, I got another collect call from Christy. She apologized for not getting in touch with me earlier and told me she had been upset all day. She said she had received an email from someone named Jennifer, who had accused her of being a con artist. She was afraid Jennifer had contacted me and i wouldn't want to meet her. She never said where this woman came from or why she had confronted her, and to be honest it didn't matter to me. All I knew was that Christy was upset and shaken at the accusation and it angered me that someone would do such a thing. I assured her that Jennifer hadn't contacted me and I didn't believe she had anything but the best of intentions. Through tears, Christy told me how difficult things were for her. Jasmine's father was refusing to pay child support and though she had pleaded with the courts, they weren't enforcing payment. I assured her I would do anything I could to help her.
I believed her. I believed she was the person Brenda descibed. And even though I prayed she would chose me to be the baby's mother, I would be her friend through this. I cared about her and felt sorry for her. And...I would meet her the following day.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Christy (chapter 13)
It started with googling adoption. My whole world opened up to chat rooms, blogs, websites and message boards. I searched adoption agencies and facilitators and was jolted back to reality when I saw the costs involved. There was absolutely no way we could afford tens of thousands of dollars again to adopt. It only took a couple of weeks to realize that because of the momumental fees, my only hope was a private, independant adoption. I joined forums and bonded with women who also longed to adopt. I discovered postings of pregnant women who were scared and unsure how to handle their baby and reached out for help.
I was moved by the posting of one particular pregnant woman named Christy. According to her posting, she was a young, single mother of a two year old daughter named Jasmine. She worked in a home for abused women and said she couldn't afford to raise another child alone so she was considering adoption. I was moved by Christy. I felt sorry for her as I could feel the desperation in her voice and I sent her an email.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Christy,
I saw your posting online today and my heart went out to you. Because you are considering adoption, I hope you don't mind me telling you a little about myself and my family.
My husband and I will be married 8 years on New Year's Eve. We live in a rural town in Tennessee. We began trying to have a baby right after we got married.
It didn't take long to figure out it was going to be hard for me to get pregnant, so we began infertility. We endured almost 4 years of infertility treatments and heartbreaking miscarriages. Because we wanted to adopt whether we had biological children or not, we decided to go that route. We had a local adoption that fell through the day the child was born and I think it was even harder than the past heartbreaks we went through. We constantly worried about the baby...was he hungry...was he cold...was he being held and loved.... It was so hard coming home to an empty nursery. After a couple of months we found out that the baby was healthy and happy and we were able to "let him go."
We were finally chosen by a birthmother in Tulsa, Oklahoma and we hit it off with her immediately. We flew down and spent the weekend with her and her family before the birth of our daughter. Less than 3 months after our birthmother chose us, we were blessed with the birth of our daughter. We promised Jana, our birthmom, two things...1. We would always provide Kennedy with unconditional love and support and give her the best life possible. 2. Jana would never have to worry about Kennedy because she would always have a line of communication open to her. We still enjoy this open relationship with Kennedy's birthmother.
Because we waited so long to be parents, we have never taken our daughter for granted. I've heard so many parents say things like they couldn't wait until their son started sleeping through the night....they couldn't wait for their daughter to start walking....they couldn't wait for her to start school, etc. Believe me, we've never felt that way. We feel blessed for every second we have with her.
My husband is a good provider for us, so I am able to be a stay home mommy. We have so much fun together....going to the zoo or aquarium, visiting family, working outside in the flowers, or just staying home and watching a movie or baking goodies for daddy. We also have a 17 year old foster daugher who joins in on the fun as well!
Please Christy, let me know if you have any questions for us. Also, even if you decide to keep that precious baby or if you decide on another couple for adoption, I'd love to be your friend if you need someone to talk to. I thank God for brave women like you who love their children so much that they can give them up if they have to. For without them, I would never get to be a Mother. We want our children't birthmoms in their lives. We want to develop trusting friendships with them as well.
Please contact me if I you'd like to talk. I'll be happy to also give you a phone number as well or will be happy to call you to save you the money.
You're in my thoughts and I pray God will give you direction, strength and peace.
Lori
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Just two days later, a lump formed in my throat when I saw the email waiting for me from Christy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Christy Miller
To: Lori Coleman
Subject: Re: courageous choice posting
Date: Mon, 14 Nov 2005 12:36:31 -0800 (PST)
Thanks for your email you sound so nice and hlpeful. YOu seem so nice and easy to talk too. Just what I am looking for.
How are you doing? I am not feeling so well today, hoping its not the flu.
You sound very nice and I have gotten a lot of emails from people and for some reason your have stuck out to me.
How old is your daughter now??
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
And my response:
Uh oh...i'll pray it's not the flu. I don't know what the weather is like
now where you are, but it's kinda dreary and rainy. Hopefully, you're just feeling yucky because of that....we'll hope that's it anyway.
My daughter just turned 4 in October. I'll send you a pic of her in her Halloween costume.
Like I said, we're also in Tennessee...in the far southeastern county...near cleveland and not far from chattanooga or knoxville. I'll be happy to answer any other questions you may have. As far as my email sticking out to you...I feel that God sends you what you need when you need it...maybe you need me as an adoptive mother....maybe you need me as a friend to give you encouragement and prayer....maybe i need you as well. i think when something is right, you just "click" and know it in your heart.
I'm also on yahoo and sent you an im under flowergoddesslori.
hugs to you and hope to hear from you soon,
Lori
------------------------------------------------------------------------
That night, her instant message popped up on my screen. We spoke for an hour about her life and her situation. Christy told me her mother lived in Ohio and they were somewhat estranged. She didn't speak of her father at all, but had a close relationship with her brother, who also lived in Nashville. She was raising Jasmine alone as the child's father abused her both emotionally and physcially. She had taken Jasmine with only the clothes on their backs and a couple of bags of necessities and left the violent man. She was depressed because she always put up her Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving and she had to leave those things behind. She said Jasmine kept asking for lights and as a mother, she felt she was disappointing her daughter. She was concerned about having enough money for groceries that week and was low on gas for her car. The more she told me, the more my heart broke. As maternal as I am, I just wanted to take care of this girl. It wasn't about me adopting the baby. It was about me being her friend.
Christy told me how she had received hundreds of emails from women begging to adopt her baby. There was one woman named Jackie from New York that was particulary disturbing to her. According to Christy, she had contacted Jackie after finding interest in her email. She said that after a couple of phone conversations, Jackie began "stalking" her. Christy said she had to have her phone number changed and had to change work locations because Jackie was calling her constantly. I personally had seen postings from a woman named Jackie from New York that was writing that she was adopting a baby from Nashville. To be honest, I was a little disturbed by this too!
Christy and I talked on the computer every night for the next couple of weeks. Then, on Thanksgiving Day, she called. She told me she was leaning toward placing her baby with me and asked if I could drive to Nashville the following day to meet her. When I arrived at my relative's house for dinner, the entire family was excited, yet reserved at the news. Of course, no one wanted to see us go through the heartbreak of losing another baby, but everyone knew how I longed for another child. I tried to ease their minds and I shared with them Christy's sincerity and honesty with me. I had even more that Thanksgiving to be thankful for...I knew that next year, Kennedy would have a new baby brother or sister.
That night, sleep didn't come as I tossed and turned with the excitement of meeting Christy and imagining my life with another baby in just a few short months. Tomorrow's meeting would either bring with it the joy of knowing I would become a mother again or the disappointment of realizing it wasn't meant to be.
I was moved by the posting of one particular pregnant woman named Christy. According to her posting, she was a young, single mother of a two year old daughter named Jasmine. She worked in a home for abused women and said she couldn't afford to raise another child alone so she was considering adoption. I was moved by Christy. I felt sorry for her as I could feel the desperation in her voice and I sent her an email.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Christy,
I saw your posting online today and my heart went out to you. Because you are considering adoption, I hope you don't mind me telling you a little about myself and my family.
My husband and I will be married 8 years on New Year's Eve. We live in a rural town in Tennessee. We began trying to have a baby right after we got married.
It didn't take long to figure out it was going to be hard for me to get pregnant, so we began infertility. We endured almost 4 years of infertility treatments and heartbreaking miscarriages. Because we wanted to adopt whether we had biological children or not, we decided to go that route. We had a local adoption that fell through the day the child was born and I think it was even harder than the past heartbreaks we went through. We constantly worried about the baby...was he hungry...was he cold...was he being held and loved.... It was so hard coming home to an empty nursery. After a couple of months we found out that the baby was healthy and happy and we were able to "let him go."
We were finally chosen by a birthmother in Tulsa, Oklahoma and we hit it off with her immediately. We flew down and spent the weekend with her and her family before the birth of our daughter. Less than 3 months after our birthmother chose us, we were blessed with the birth of our daughter. We promised Jana, our birthmom, two things...1. We would always provide Kennedy with unconditional love and support and give her the best life possible. 2. Jana would never have to worry about Kennedy because she would always have a line of communication open to her. We still enjoy this open relationship with Kennedy's birthmother.
Because we waited so long to be parents, we have never taken our daughter for granted. I've heard so many parents say things like they couldn't wait until their son started sleeping through the night....they couldn't wait for their daughter to start walking....they couldn't wait for her to start school, etc. Believe me, we've never felt that way. We feel blessed for every second we have with her.
My husband is a good provider for us, so I am able to be a stay home mommy. We have so much fun together....going to the zoo or aquarium, visiting family, working outside in the flowers, or just staying home and watching a movie or baking goodies for daddy. We also have a 17 year old foster daugher who joins in on the fun as well!
Please Christy, let me know if you have any questions for us. Also, even if you decide to keep that precious baby or if you decide on another couple for adoption, I'd love to be your friend if you need someone to talk to. I thank God for brave women like you who love their children so much that they can give them up if they have to. For without them, I would never get to be a Mother. We want our children't birthmoms in their lives. We want to develop trusting friendships with them as well.
Please contact me if I you'd like to talk. I'll be happy to also give you a phone number as well or will be happy to call you to save you the money.
You're in my thoughts and I pray God will give you direction, strength and peace.
Lori
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Just two days later, a lump formed in my throat when I saw the email waiting for me from Christy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Christy Miller
To: Lori Coleman
Subject: Re: courageous choice posting
Date: Mon, 14 Nov 2005 12:36:31 -0800 (PST)
Thanks for your email you sound so nice and hlpeful. YOu seem so nice and easy to talk too. Just what I am looking for.
How are you doing? I am not feeling so well today, hoping its not the flu.
You sound very nice and I have gotten a lot of emails from people and for some reason your have stuck out to me.
How old is your daughter now??
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
And my response:
Uh oh...i'll pray it's not the flu. I don't know what the weather is like
now where you are, but it's kinda dreary and rainy. Hopefully, you're just feeling yucky because of that....we'll hope that's it anyway.
My daughter just turned 4 in October. I'll send you a pic of her in her Halloween costume.
Like I said, we're also in Tennessee...in the far southeastern county...near cleveland and not far from chattanooga or knoxville. I'll be happy to answer any other questions you may have. As far as my email sticking out to you...I feel that God sends you what you need when you need it...maybe you need me as an adoptive mother....maybe you need me as a friend to give you encouragement and prayer....maybe i need you as well. i think when something is right, you just "click" and know it in your heart.
I'm also on yahoo and sent you an im under flowergoddesslori.
hugs to you and hope to hear from you soon,
Lori
------------------------------------------------------------------------
That night, her instant message popped up on my screen. We spoke for an hour about her life and her situation. Christy told me her mother lived in Ohio and they were somewhat estranged. She didn't speak of her father at all, but had a close relationship with her brother, who also lived in Nashville. She was raising Jasmine alone as the child's father abused her both emotionally and physcially. She had taken Jasmine with only the clothes on their backs and a couple of bags of necessities and left the violent man. She was depressed because she always put up her Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving and she had to leave those things behind. She said Jasmine kept asking for lights and as a mother, she felt she was disappointing her daughter. She was concerned about having enough money for groceries that week and was low on gas for her car. The more she told me, the more my heart broke. As maternal as I am, I just wanted to take care of this girl. It wasn't about me adopting the baby. It was about me being her friend.
Christy told me how she had received hundreds of emails from women begging to adopt her baby. There was one woman named Jackie from New York that was particulary disturbing to her. According to Christy, she had contacted Jackie after finding interest in her email. She said that after a couple of phone conversations, Jackie began "stalking" her. Christy said she had to have her phone number changed and had to change work locations because Jackie was calling her constantly. I personally had seen postings from a woman named Jackie from New York that was writing that she was adopting a baby from Nashville. To be honest, I was a little disturbed by this too!
Christy and I talked on the computer every night for the next couple of weeks. Then, on Thanksgiving Day, she called. She told me she was leaning toward placing her baby with me and asked if I could drive to Nashville the following day to meet her. When I arrived at my relative's house for dinner, the entire family was excited, yet reserved at the news. Of course, no one wanted to see us go through the heartbreak of losing another baby, but everyone knew how I longed for another child. I tried to ease their minds and I shared with them Christy's sincerity and honesty with me. I had even more that Thanksgiving to be thankful for...I knew that next year, Kennedy would have a new baby brother or sister.
That night, sleep didn't come as I tossed and turned with the excitement of meeting Christy and imagining my life with another baby in just a few short months. Tomorrow's meeting would either bring with it the joy of knowing I would become a mother again or the disappointment of realizing it wasn't meant to be.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Hope chapter 12
As Kennedy grew, my love for her deepened. It was amazing to me at how much more I loved her every day. Her smile made me forget my other worries and her laughter was contageous. When she was 2, I opened my own florist and took Kennedy to work with me daily. She was such a good baby and everyone was impressed at how well behaved she was. She enjoyed the public and it didn't take long for her to win everyone over. There was simply no one she couldn't captivate. Unlike a typical toddler, she didn't bother anything on the shelves and was happy to comply with the boundaries set for her in the shop. She would sit for hours crosslegged on my work table and watch me arrange flowers. When she began talking, her first words were colors. She wouldn't just pick out the correct color, she would tell you the name of it. She was petite and looked young for her age, so people would stand with their mouths open when she educated them on colors and flowers. Her hair was straight and a little difficult to manage at that age so her hairstyle of choice was pigtails. She looked so much like "Boo" on Monsters, Inc that even strangers would comment on the resemblence. I thanked God every day for chosing me to be her mommy and cherished every minute with her.
As Kennedy grew, so did my longing for another baby. I knew we didn't have the money to contact Demastus for a second adoption, so I turned to the internet for other options. The costs were so astronomical I just didn't see how we could afford another adoption unless we either fostered to adopt or found a private adoption opportunity.
I contacted a foster agency and they met with Chris and I the following day. By the time the weekend came, we decided to host 9 year old Brittany for the weekend. Brittany was a cute girl with a charming personality. She was very loving and affectionate toward me and after just one night, she began calling me Momma. Brittany had lived with the same foster parents for over a year and we were told they were not interested in adopting her. I found it a little odd that they already had 2 adopted children and were in the process of adopting a sibling group of three, but didn't want to adopt Brittany. I enjoyed my time with her and she seemed very good with Kennedy. For some reason, however, I kept getting the feeling that something about the situation wasn't right. When the social worker picked her up on Sunday, Brittany cried and begged to stay with me. It was heartwrenching, but legally, we were only her weekend host parents and she had to go back. That afternoon, the social worker called again and asked if we wanted to adopt Brittany. I was stunned and a million thoughts ran through my mind. "Why didn't her foster parents want to adopt her too? What if she hates us after a week? What if our personalities don't click? Are there behavioral or other issues we aren't aware of?" The questions were running wild inside my head and I expressed my concerns with proceeding with the adoption. The social worker then told me that we could get her in our home, proceed with adoption, but stop the adoption if we felt we needed to. Big. Red. Flag. Though I wanted with all my heart to help Brittany, there was no way I would bring that poor child in our house, proceed with and then stop an adoption. It wasn't fair to Brittany and it wasn't fair to us. Though it broke my heart, I knew this wasn't the right situation for us, nor was it the right agency to work with.
A few months later, Hope came into my life. She was a friend's little sister and when she walked into the door, I fell in love with her. She had a smile that literally lit up a room, a sweet disposition that made everyone around her feel at ease, a fiery passion for life and a hunger for education. Not only did she have these (and many more) endearing qualities, she was stunning. She had gorgeous brown eyes, long brown hair and exquisite taste in clothes and fashion. She was popular, made good grades and well liked by her friends. If you didn't know her story, you would never guess that she had been through hell in her 15 years of life. Her parents divorced when she was very small and she and her older sister lived with her mentally ill mother. Hope opened up to me quickly and could recall her life as a three year old in detail. Her mother was very loving and affectionate but unfortunately her illness prohibited her from effectivly caring for her children's needs. Hope remembered being hungry and her sister taking her to the neighbor's house for biscuits and gravy because her mother forgot to feed them. She witnessed things a child should never have to be exposed to. She remembered the day the state came to take her away. When the social worker knocked on the door, her mother instructed the girls to hide under the bed. It didn't take long for them to find the children and they were taken out of the arms of their mother. Her father was an alcoholic and was incapeable of raising the children, so they were sent to foster care. The sisters lived in several homes through the years and slowly, their father was working toward getting them back. When Hope was ten or eleven, the state sent the girls to live with him and his wife. It was a rocky homelife for Hope as her father's personal demons were a constant struggle for him. She had moved in with a relative to escape the instability and friction at home, but she wasn't happy there either. After talking to her for a couple of hours, I knew this was the child that I had been waiting for. It just felt right. Within a week of meeting her, she moved into our home as well as my heart.
The first weekend Hope was there, she went with Kennedy and I to pick up my stepdaughter, Hailee. It was a two hour drive each way and we enjoyed our time together. I felt an instant bond with her and it didn't take long for Hailee or Kennedy to grow quite attached to her as well.
As the "newness" of the situation faded, we all fell into a routine. Having an instant teenager was definatly a new experience for me! I was constantly running her to and from school, ballgames, work and a million other places she needed to be. Our home became a favorite hang out and there were kids running in and out all the time. It was hectic sometimes, but I loved it. Hope was a good kid, but she was a teenager, nonetheless, who did "teenagerish" things. It wasn't long before the common struggles between parent and teen started to creep up. Not only that, we were both trying to figure out our new "roles" as best we could. She got mad at me for making her do chores when she didn't want to and I got irritated at her for not calling when she was supposed to, etc, etc, etc. And oh the worry that came along with having a teenager!
When Hope had been in our home almost two years and Kennedy had just turned five. that familiar longing came rushing back. I ached for another child and this time, I turned to the Internet. This was the beginning of my nightmare...
As Kennedy grew, so did my longing for another baby. I knew we didn't have the money to contact Demastus for a second adoption, so I turned to the internet for other options. The costs were so astronomical I just didn't see how we could afford another adoption unless we either fostered to adopt or found a private adoption opportunity.
I contacted a foster agency and they met with Chris and I the following day. By the time the weekend came, we decided to host 9 year old Brittany for the weekend. Brittany was a cute girl with a charming personality. She was very loving and affectionate toward me and after just one night, she began calling me Momma. Brittany had lived with the same foster parents for over a year and we were told they were not interested in adopting her. I found it a little odd that they already had 2 adopted children and were in the process of adopting a sibling group of three, but didn't want to adopt Brittany. I enjoyed my time with her and she seemed very good with Kennedy. For some reason, however, I kept getting the feeling that something about the situation wasn't right. When the social worker picked her up on Sunday, Brittany cried and begged to stay with me. It was heartwrenching, but legally, we were only her weekend host parents and she had to go back. That afternoon, the social worker called again and asked if we wanted to adopt Brittany. I was stunned and a million thoughts ran through my mind. "Why didn't her foster parents want to adopt her too? What if she hates us after a week? What if our personalities don't click? Are there behavioral or other issues we aren't aware of?" The questions were running wild inside my head and I expressed my concerns with proceeding with the adoption. The social worker then told me that we could get her in our home, proceed with adoption, but stop the adoption if we felt we needed to. Big. Red. Flag. Though I wanted with all my heart to help Brittany, there was no way I would bring that poor child in our house, proceed with and then stop an adoption. It wasn't fair to Brittany and it wasn't fair to us. Though it broke my heart, I knew this wasn't the right situation for us, nor was it the right agency to work with.
A few months later, Hope came into my life. She was a friend's little sister and when she walked into the door, I fell in love with her. She had a smile that literally lit up a room, a sweet disposition that made everyone around her feel at ease, a fiery passion for life and a hunger for education. Not only did she have these (and many more) endearing qualities, she was stunning. She had gorgeous brown eyes, long brown hair and exquisite taste in clothes and fashion. She was popular, made good grades and well liked by her friends. If you didn't know her story, you would never guess that she had been through hell in her 15 years of life. Her parents divorced when she was very small and she and her older sister lived with her mentally ill mother. Hope opened up to me quickly and could recall her life as a three year old in detail. Her mother was very loving and affectionate but unfortunately her illness prohibited her from effectivly caring for her children's needs. Hope remembered being hungry and her sister taking her to the neighbor's house for biscuits and gravy because her mother forgot to feed them. She witnessed things a child should never have to be exposed to. She remembered the day the state came to take her away. When the social worker knocked on the door, her mother instructed the girls to hide under the bed. It didn't take long for them to find the children and they were taken out of the arms of their mother. Her father was an alcoholic and was incapeable of raising the children, so they were sent to foster care. The sisters lived in several homes through the years and slowly, their father was working toward getting them back. When Hope was ten or eleven, the state sent the girls to live with him and his wife. It was a rocky homelife for Hope as her father's personal demons were a constant struggle for him. She had moved in with a relative to escape the instability and friction at home, but she wasn't happy there either. After talking to her for a couple of hours, I knew this was the child that I had been waiting for. It just felt right. Within a week of meeting her, she moved into our home as well as my heart.
The first weekend Hope was there, she went with Kennedy and I to pick up my stepdaughter, Hailee. It was a two hour drive each way and we enjoyed our time together. I felt an instant bond with her and it didn't take long for Hailee or Kennedy to grow quite attached to her as well.
As the "newness" of the situation faded, we all fell into a routine. Having an instant teenager was definatly a new experience for me! I was constantly running her to and from school, ballgames, work and a million other places she needed to be. Our home became a favorite hang out and there were kids running in and out all the time. It was hectic sometimes, but I loved it. Hope was a good kid, but she was a teenager, nonetheless, who did "teenagerish" things. It wasn't long before the common struggles between parent and teen started to creep up. Not only that, we were both trying to figure out our new "roles" as best we could. She got mad at me for making her do chores when she didn't want to and I got irritated at her for not calling when she was supposed to, etc, etc, etc. And oh the worry that came along with having a teenager!
When Hope had been in our home almost two years and Kennedy had just turned five. that familiar longing came rushing back. I ached for another child and this time, I turned to the Internet. This was the beginning of my nightmare...
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
A long awaited day (chapter 11)
I literally dreamed about being a mommy my entire life. I had massive collections of beautiful dolls, but my favorites were those that looked and felt like real babies. As a child, I never went anywhere without at least one baby doll. Sometimes if I were feeling really maternal, I would pretend I was the mother of twins or even triplets! I packed their diaper bags with all the neccesities such as extra clothes, diapers, socks, blankets, and bottles (real ones, of course). Specifically, I would pretend I was at church for the first time showing her off everyone who gathered around us to stare at her beauty.
When Kennedy had just turned three weeks old, my childhood fantasy became reality when Sunday morning came. Before she was even born, I had her outfit picked out. I chose a simple, pale pink Strausburg dress my grandmother had bought her. I had been looking forward to that day my entire life. Even more special, our church family had planned a much needed baby shower after the service. I got up extra early and got myself and Kennedy ready. All the excitement I felt inside turned into a sick feeling when Chris woke up mad at the world. He always seemsed to be irritated on Sunday mornings, but I hoped this morning would be different. Nothing was right...breakfast wasn't made, his clothes weren't ironed, he had a headache, etc, etc, etc. I ended up fighting back the tears and taking Kennedy to church alone.
Of course, my church family doted on Kennedy and each time Chris's name was mentioned, it was all I could do to keep from breaking out in sobs. I didn't want to admit to anyone else, let alone myself, that he just didn't want to be there. So I did what I always did...I made an excuse and said he had overslept. I sat during the service feeling so lonely and sad. I wanted my spouse...Kennedy's daddy...to be with us, not only physically, but mentally. Maybe if I just tried harder it would all turn around. I would try to be a better wife and maybe it would change.
After the service, we went downstairs for Kennedy's shower. Such care was taken in the decorations and food and it was touching to see the lengths everyone had put into the event. I was excited, but still held my breath and positioned myself facing the door in hopes Chris would walk in.
When he entered the room, I could tell by the look on his face he was still mad. I greeted him and hugged him and I felt his back stiffen. "Why are you so upset?" I whispered. He rolled his eyes at me and quitely stood against the wall while I escaped to the bathroom. I tried catching the tears in my tissue and expertly wiped the mascara from my eyes in hopes no one would notice I had been crying. When I rejoined the party, I played the act of happy wife and mother and those who knew me best, pretended right along with me.
Kennedy had so many gifts that we literally had to make two trips with the truck! When I got home, Chris and I unloaded the gifts and he sank into the recliner. He still wouldn't speak to me and I really had no idea what was wrong with him. I got Kennedy bathed, fed and in bed and passed the time washing her new clothes and putting all her gifts away. I tried to recount my actions and figure out why he was so angry and when I asked, he got even more irritated. He went to the guest bedroom without telling me goodnight and though I knew in my heart our marriage was in a downhill spiral, I hoped and prayed it would all be better the following day...for myself, Chris and our new baby.
When Kennedy had just turned three weeks old, my childhood fantasy became reality when Sunday morning came. Before she was even born, I had her outfit picked out. I chose a simple, pale pink Strausburg dress my grandmother had bought her. I had been looking forward to that day my entire life. Even more special, our church family had planned a much needed baby shower after the service. I got up extra early and got myself and Kennedy ready. All the excitement I felt inside turned into a sick feeling when Chris woke up mad at the world. He always seemsed to be irritated on Sunday mornings, but I hoped this morning would be different. Nothing was right...breakfast wasn't made, his clothes weren't ironed, he had a headache, etc, etc, etc. I ended up fighting back the tears and taking Kennedy to church alone.
Of course, my church family doted on Kennedy and each time Chris's name was mentioned, it was all I could do to keep from breaking out in sobs. I didn't want to admit to anyone else, let alone myself, that he just didn't want to be there. So I did what I always did...I made an excuse and said he had overslept. I sat during the service feeling so lonely and sad. I wanted my spouse...Kennedy's daddy...to be with us, not only physically, but mentally. Maybe if I just tried harder it would all turn around. I would try to be a better wife and maybe it would change.
After the service, we went downstairs for Kennedy's shower. Such care was taken in the decorations and food and it was touching to see the lengths everyone had put into the event. I was excited, but still held my breath and positioned myself facing the door in hopes Chris would walk in.
When he entered the room, I could tell by the look on his face he was still mad. I greeted him and hugged him and I felt his back stiffen. "Why are you so upset?" I whispered. He rolled his eyes at me and quitely stood against the wall while I escaped to the bathroom. I tried catching the tears in my tissue and expertly wiped the mascara from my eyes in hopes no one would notice I had been crying. When I rejoined the party, I played the act of happy wife and mother and those who knew me best, pretended right along with me.
Kennedy had so many gifts that we literally had to make two trips with the truck! When I got home, Chris and I unloaded the gifts and he sank into the recliner. He still wouldn't speak to me and I really had no idea what was wrong with him. I got Kennedy bathed, fed and in bed and passed the time washing her new clothes and putting all her gifts away. I tried to recount my actions and figure out why he was so angry and when I asked, he got even more irritated. He went to the guest bedroom without telling me goodnight and though I knew in my heart our marriage was in a downhill spiral, I hoped and prayed it would all be better the following day...for myself, Chris and our new baby.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Home Sweet Home (chapter 10)
Traveling across the country with a 2 week old baby was definitely interesting. Just the sheer amount of luggage we had accumulated was daunting. Thank God we had a direct flight to Nashville in a small prop plane. I was so worried about her ears popping and hurting on the plane, but she slept right through the entire trip.
My mother's boyfriend had been visiting Nashville, so he picked us up from the airport. I was extremely disappointed to learn he hadn't checked out of his hotel and we couldn't start home immediately. At the hotel, he did some last minute work and it seemed like it took an eternity to pack up and finally head out of town. Of course, we had to stop and eat and I was beyond ready to get home.
I'll admit. In my mind, I had really hoped for airport fanfare just like you see in the movies and on TV documentaries. Granted, we were three hours from home, but still so many people promised to be there when we landed. I had envisioned our welcome home committee in my mind so many times. Flowers, tears and hey, maybe a poster or two. Silly, I know. Shows how TV can really set you up for disappointment, huh? Not only did no one greet us at the airport, but it was taking forever to actually make it home!
Finally, we pulled up in my driveway and there were several friends and family members waiting on us inside. Of course, the minute we entered, Kennedy was snatched from my arms and the camera flashes started. It was good to be home with the people who loved us.
I was really looking forward to seeing Chris. He was in the recliner when we got home and it was only after we carried our luggage in that he gave me a quick hug. He felt very distant and somewhat irritated, but I assummed it was just because he was ready to have Kennedy to himself. A couple of hours later, everyone left so we could rest and I collapsed on the couch. He informed me he was hungry and asked what was for dinner. Huh? Was he serious? Yep. He was definately serious. As I made a quick meal of blts and tomato soup I thought about our relationship.
If I told you I was happy, I was lying. From the beginning, everyone told me we would never make it. My family didn't feel he was the best choice of a husband for me, but I was crazy about him. I saw a side of him no one else saw. I saw the gentle father he was to Hailee and now Kennedy. I saw him work hard to make a living for us. I saw him splurge on big surprises for me and saw the way he looked at me with love in his eyes. I saw him stand up for what he believed in and not worry about what others thought. I was bound and determined to make our marriage work. I felt if I were a good wife and did everything expected of me, we would be fine. I made sure the house was cleaned, laundry was done, meals were cooked,Hailee was taken care of and the bills were paid.
Chris had a temper. He wasn't violent, but it was miserable for me when got upset. And he got upset easily and sometimes without warning or reason. For this reason, I did what I was supposed to do, stayed out of his way and never spoke against him. When he got upset, I tried to fix whatever it was that he was mad about. Once, for example, he wanted a new motorcycle... a very expensive motorcycle with payments of over $300 a month. He told me he had called our credit union to set up papers and I would have to go in and sign. I got very quiet and he said, "you don't want me to have a new bike, do you?" As the one who pays the bills, I knew it was much more debt than we could handle. The thoughts of adding to our debt, as well as telling Chris we couldn't afford it made me sick to my stomach. Finally, I told him we couldn't afford it. He already had it figured out. He would use part of a commission check to pay for it. I told him I was worried about using our extra emergency money for a motorcycle payment. He became irrate. For hours that day he wouldn't speak to me and it was miserable to be around him. Instead of standing my ground, I called the credit union and got the money. And now, it was all ok at home.
In the almost 5 years of marriage, I had slowly lost myself. I felt as if I wasn't my own person and was nothing more than a doormat. I had no one to blame but myself though. I couldn't stand conflict so I always gave in. I thought if I handled every aspect of Chris's life, he would be happy. I didn't realize then that I couldn't make him happy. He had to do that for himself. Still, I would try for several more years before I gave up the fight. And in the meantime, I would play the game and lead everyone to believe we were a happy couple.
When we went to bed that night, Chris started sleeping in the spare room for the first time. I knew the addition of children wouldn't make our marriage stronger, but I knew I wouldn't be complete without a child of my own. Honestly, I was using Chris as he was using me. Even though we did love each other, it was a marriage of convenience. I took care of his needs and he helped me become a mother.
As my eyes closed that night, I fell asleep wondering what the future would hold for my family.
My mother's boyfriend had been visiting Nashville, so he picked us up from the airport. I was extremely disappointed to learn he hadn't checked out of his hotel and we couldn't start home immediately. At the hotel, he did some last minute work and it seemed like it took an eternity to pack up and finally head out of town. Of course, we had to stop and eat and I was beyond ready to get home.
I'll admit. In my mind, I had really hoped for airport fanfare just like you see in the movies and on TV documentaries. Granted, we were three hours from home, but still so many people promised to be there when we landed. I had envisioned our welcome home committee in my mind so many times. Flowers, tears and hey, maybe a poster or two. Silly, I know. Shows how TV can really set you up for disappointment, huh? Not only did no one greet us at the airport, but it was taking forever to actually make it home!
Finally, we pulled up in my driveway and there were several friends and family members waiting on us inside. Of course, the minute we entered, Kennedy was snatched from my arms and the camera flashes started. It was good to be home with the people who loved us.
I was really looking forward to seeing Chris. He was in the recliner when we got home and it was only after we carried our luggage in that he gave me a quick hug. He felt very distant and somewhat irritated, but I assummed it was just because he was ready to have Kennedy to himself. A couple of hours later, everyone left so we could rest and I collapsed on the couch. He informed me he was hungry and asked what was for dinner. Huh? Was he serious? Yep. He was definately serious. As I made a quick meal of blts and tomato soup I thought about our relationship.
If I told you I was happy, I was lying. From the beginning, everyone told me we would never make it. My family didn't feel he was the best choice of a husband for me, but I was crazy about him. I saw a side of him no one else saw. I saw the gentle father he was to Hailee and now Kennedy. I saw him work hard to make a living for us. I saw him splurge on big surprises for me and saw the way he looked at me with love in his eyes. I saw him stand up for what he believed in and not worry about what others thought. I was bound and determined to make our marriage work. I felt if I were a good wife and did everything expected of me, we would be fine. I made sure the house was cleaned, laundry was done, meals were cooked,Hailee was taken care of and the bills were paid.
Chris had a temper. He wasn't violent, but it was miserable for me when got upset. And he got upset easily and sometimes without warning or reason. For this reason, I did what I was supposed to do, stayed out of his way and never spoke against him. When he got upset, I tried to fix whatever it was that he was mad about. Once, for example, he wanted a new motorcycle... a very expensive motorcycle with payments of over $300 a month. He told me he had called our credit union to set up papers and I would have to go in and sign. I got very quiet and he said, "you don't want me to have a new bike, do you?" As the one who pays the bills, I knew it was much more debt than we could handle. The thoughts of adding to our debt, as well as telling Chris we couldn't afford it made me sick to my stomach. Finally, I told him we couldn't afford it. He already had it figured out. He would use part of a commission check to pay for it. I told him I was worried about using our extra emergency money for a motorcycle payment. He became irrate. For hours that day he wouldn't speak to me and it was miserable to be around him. Instead of standing my ground, I called the credit union and got the money. And now, it was all ok at home.
In the almost 5 years of marriage, I had slowly lost myself. I felt as if I wasn't my own person and was nothing more than a doormat. I had no one to blame but myself though. I couldn't stand conflict so I always gave in. I thought if I handled every aspect of Chris's life, he would be happy. I didn't realize then that I couldn't make him happy. He had to do that for himself. Still, I would try for several more years before I gave up the fight. And in the meantime, I would play the game and lead everyone to believe we were a happy couple.
When we went to bed that night, Chris started sleeping in the spare room for the first time. I knew the addition of children wouldn't make our marriage stronger, but I knew I wouldn't be complete without a child of my own. Honestly, I was using Chris as he was using me. Even though we did love each other, it was a marriage of convenience. I took care of his needs and he helped me become a mother.
As my eyes closed that night, I fell asleep wondering what the future would hold for my family.
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