How it all began.... (chapter 1)

All my life, I've wanted to be a mommy. When I was a little girl, I adored my dolls and played with them, until truth be told, I was much too old to do so. My biggest fear was not being able to have children.

When I married my ex husband, I was blessed with his daughter, Hailee. She was two when we married and I was fortunate enough to be able to spend a lot of quality time with her, thanks to her mother. Shortly after we wed, I went off birth control and we began trying to conceive. After a year, I visited a fertility specialist. He diagnosed me with Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome and told me it could be difficult to get pregnant, but was extremely hopeful that with the fertility drug, clomid, I could achieve pregnancy. Months went by and they were much the same. At the beginning of my cycle, I took the medication (which made me horribly irritable), waited mid cycle, went in for an ultrasound to determine follicle viability, was instructed when to have sex, waited....waited....waited to take a pregnancy test. A couple of months, I got a faint positive, but ended up miscarrying within days. After about a year with this particular doctor, he wasn't willing to adjust medication or try anything else. It was at this point that I found Dr. Ann Mashchak.

I liked Dr. Mashchak immediately. She did extensive testing and found out that in addition to PCOS, I was also insulin resistant, which also added to the difficulty in conceiving. She performed an exploratory surgery to look for endometriosis and any blockages. She put me back on clomid, along with medication to treat the insulin resistance issue. And the cycle continued....

After a few unsuccessful months, Dr. Mashchak also added a hormone shot mid cycle to ensure ovulation of the good sized follicles I was producing.

It had been over two years. I was an emotional wreck. The medication made me miserable and the anguish of not conceiving truly affected my entire life. I tried to stay positive and kept doing all I knew to do.

After about a year with Dr. Mashchak, it happened. It started with a feeling of nauseousness and the pregnancy test confirmed I was finally pregnant! My family, friends and church were thrilled. It was the best Wednesday of my life! I made an appointment to have an ultrasound on Monday to see my little miracle.

My happiness turned to intense worry and fear when I started spotting on Friday afternoon. I immediately called Dr. Mashchak and she called in a script for another hormone to help keep me from miscarrying and told me to pray and try to relax. As the weekend droned on, the bleeding became accompanied by pain and cramping and the joy was replaced with grief.

On Monday, Dr. Mashchak held my hand as she showed me there was nothing left. My baby was gone. My heart was broken. My hopes were dashed. I was devastated. Afraid to miss a chance to conceive, however, I decided to continue with treatments.

Months turned into years. It was the same thing every month. There were a couple more times I saw that precious positive test, but within days, I was grieving and struggling through another painful miscarriage. I felt so alone. My family and friends didn't understand and most were downright hurtful to me. So many times I heard, "Maybe you just aren't meant to have kids." "If you would stop trying, you would get pregnant." "You can have my kids. They drive me crazy." "If you don't stop being jealous of others who are pregnant or have babies, God will never give you a child." I truly thought I would lose my mind. I became reclusive and didn't want to get out of my house.

Through the years, Dr. Maschak had always told me she would tell me when it was "time to stop." That day came when I had two follicles in each ovary and didn't get pregnant. She said she could either try in-vitro or, because she knew I was more obsessed with being a mother, rather than conceiving, we could focus on adoption. I was overcome with two extreme emotions...grief and relief. I spent a couple of months enveloped in grief for the child I would never carry and the babies I had lost.

As I searched the Internet for adoption, I was completely overwhelmed. There was so much information and I had no idea where to turn. No one I knew had adopted and I felt hopeless. Then, I met a customer who had adopted successfully and he gave me his wife's phone number. When I first spoke to Sarah*, I felt an instant connection. She had felt the same pain, fear, disappointment and aloneness that I had. She also was living proof that adoption worked and she gave me hope that I would, indeed, become a mother through the beauty of adoption.